I have wanted to try this since I saw my first example on Twitter. This is craiyon, formerly known as DALL-E mini, and every other artistic medium that ever existed is now obsolete.
When I re-acquired home internet service a few months ago, after mostly being away from it for nine years, I had grand ideas about reviving my blog, reconnecting and catching up with all the other blogs I used to follow, and being part of a smart and articulate virtual community again.
Little did I know, the internet went through some changes between 2012 and 2022. Some of the blogs I used to read are, well, not exactly dead, I would say, but any life left there resembles a lichen--technically alive, just not very ambitious. And of the ones that are still active, the comment sections have slowed to a point that make them no longer a place to hang out.
I wouldn't have thought it, but Twitter has ended up being my main online hangout, despite the limitations of the 280-character format, despite not having heard anything good about it for years and years. I restarted my account, @feralboy12. I am mostly calling myself Nick Soapdish, although I can change that depending on my mood. And I do have moods.
My legion of followers currently numbers 38. Most of my tweets are replies to tweets from people much more famous than I, luminaries such as William Shatner, George Takei, David Crosby, Michael McKean, Lynda Carter, Mike Pence, Liz Cheney, and Herschel Walker, none of whom have acknowledged my commentary, and Sophia Bush, who has.
|She likes me. I have the receipt.|
I suppose technically this isn't really a Bingo card, as those creatures are generally 5X5 and have a free space in the middle. Maybe it's actually Score Four we're playing with this, but since it's likely me and three other people that remember anything about Score Four, and I don't remember much (other than it's played at dawn, as a sort of duel) we'll just go with Bingo.
You do need to be a serious Bob Ross fan to really get anything out of this. And yes, I am a serious Bob Ross fan. While I don't necessarily consider him to have been a great painter, I do consider him a great artist in that I believe his true art was not painting but doing a painting show, the immortal Joy of Painting. For stress reduction, there is nothing better.
July 27, 2042
WASHINGTON, D.C.—It would seem that the Waldorf-Astoria Hotel here in Washington has a guest who just won’t check out.
For several years now, guests at the opulent luxury hotel have been reporting that the upper floors are haunted by a suit-wearing ghost with really bad hair.
“He’s so annoying,” said one recent guest. “He never shuts up, and all he ever talks about is himself.”
The hotel was once owned by the Trump Organization and was called the Trump Hotel until its sale to CGI Merchant Group and its partner Hilton Worldwide Holdings in 2022. It was named after Donald J. Trump, the former U.S. President who died from drinking bleach in 2029.
While the guests affected by the apparition have many theories as to who the ghost was before he died, there is one thing they all agree on.
“He’s got to be the dumbest ghost on the entire ethereal plane,” said one man who stayed at the hotel last year. “He keeps ranting about how he didn’t actually die and that it was all a hoax by Democrats, and that he will reappear like a miracle any day now.
“It’s all deep state this, blah blah fake news, something something great again.”
Other guests have noted what seems to be a remarkable lack of awareness on the part of the disembodied spirit, who has been haunting the structure for at least a few years.
“Sometimes he turns like he’s going to leave, and it’s like he forgets he can go through walls,” said one woman. “He just walks right into the wall with a big thud.”
Another woman noticed an apparent obsession with objects in the room. “He’ll point at stuff around the room, saying, ‘person, woman, man, camera, TV,’” she said. “Then he’ll stand there grinning like he expects a goddamn prize.”
Other women have reported attempts to grope them with weird, stubby little fingers.
The strange specter does have his defenders, however.
“He’s the greatest ghost in history,” said one hotel employee, practically spitting out the words between missing teeth. “He tells the truth where other ghosts are too afraid.”
Most who have seen him, however, are not so enamored of the lecherous lich. “God, he is tiresome,” said one elderly man. “Fortunately, he usually leaves when we turn the TV off.”
It’s all a mystery, but one thing is certain: the cretinous creature won’t be going away any time soon.
This is part nine of my series on losing presidential candidates that began with Richard Nixon in 1960. This time up we have George H.W. Bush and his unsuccessful campaign for re-election in 1992. As always, it is absolutely, positively 100% historically accurate, except for the stuff I made up. I trust you’ll be able to tell the difference.
The names have not been changed because these people are politicians and deserve our derision and scorn.
George Herbert Walker Bush was born on June 12, 1924 in Milton, Massachusetts. He was the second son of Prescott Sheldon Bush, a wealthy investment banker and a U.S. Senator representing the state of Connecticut. Young George was raised in Greenwich, Connecticut, which sharp-eyed readers will recognize as the source of all standardized intelligence tests and the reason why those tests always contain word problems that begin with “Teddy leaves Sag Harbor on the brunchtime jitney...”
The Bush family also had a vacation home in Kennebunkport, Maine, and his grandparents owned a plantation in South Carolina.
You may think all of this portends a life of wealth, privilege, and insufferable douchebaggery, but you would be wrong. In those days, douchebaggery was actually called “foppishness” and there were special schools to develop and refine it.
Bush served as a naval aviator in World War II, during which he won the Distinguished Flying Cross for being shot down, bailing out, and being rescued rather than being captured, executed and having his liver eaten by his captors, as happened with some of his fellow aviators during the same doomed attack. This, as so often happens, convinced young George that God had some plan in mind for him. The Promethean plan God apparently had for his comrades remains one of those unknowable yet profound mysteries that surround the Christian deity.
After his service, Bush attended Yale University, where he was a fratboy, baseball player, and cheerleader. He was also initiated into the Skull and Crossbones secret society, where he first became one of the Lizard People . He graduated in 1948 with a Bachelor of Arts degree in economics.
Bush then moved to Texas, where he got involved in politics. He was defeated in a campaign for U.S. Senate in 1964, and two years later was elected to the U.S. House of Representatives. In 1970 he was again defeated in a Senate race.
Bush was appointed by Richard Nixon as U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations in 1971 and as Chairman of the Republican National Committee in 1973. He also served as Director of the CIA from 1976-1977.
This resume, which is, like, totally honorable and everything, set up a presidential run in 1980, which led to being chosen as Ronald Reagan’s running mate in the general election that year. Bush served as vice-president until defeating Michael Dukakis in the 1988 presidential election.
George H.W. Bush moved into the White House in 1989, and for the first three years of his presidency, things appeared to go fairly swimmingly. In that first year, all the communist governments in Eastern Europe collapsed, and the 40-year Cold War with the Soviet Union came to an end. The Soviet Union dissolved into 15 states at the end of 1991.
Also in 1991, Bush led the United States into the Gulf War with Iraq, after its leader Saddam Hussein attempted to conquer neighboring Kuwait. The American forces were successful in evicting Iraqi troops in a matter of weeks.
Though largely a symbolic gesture, Bush also left a mark in the realm of foreign policy by throwing up in the lap of Japanese Prime Minister Kiichi Miyazawa in 1992.
|Normally, he'd use the "Oval Office" for that.|
As the war came to a close, Bush’s approval rating was sitting at a stratospheric 90%.
So exactly how, just a year and a half later, did Bush lose an election to a fat, lecherous hillbilly?
Enter Bill Clinton
|The hillbilly Grover Cleveland, as it were.|
By 1987, Clinton was something of a rising star and there was speculation that he would run for president in 1988. Two frontrunners, New York Governor Mario Cuomo and Colorado Philanderer Gary Hart, both dropped out. Despite the opening, Clinton also decided to forego the race and remain governor. He did give the opening night address at the Democratic convention; it went on for 33 minutes, showing both Clinton’s deep understanding of economic policy, as well as his uncanny ability to keep talking after everyone has left the room.
This, after Bush’s defeat of Dukakis in November, set up Clinton to challenge for the Democratic nomination for President four years later.
Also, he was married to one Hillary Rodham Clinton, whom you’ve probably heard of.
Again, Bush seemed to be in terrific shape going into 1992. There were some darker clouds on the horizon, however: the economy was stagnant and unemployment had risen from 5.9 to 7.8%. The federal deficit had increased considerably and was a matter of growing concern to Americans. Bush had also reneged on his 1988 pledge not to raise taxes, having insisted at the time that he would say to congress, “read my lips; no new taxes” if they suggested doing so.
|In fact, the man had no lips.|
The budget deal Bush agreed to was regarded as a betrayal by the more ultra-conservative members of the party, and resulted in the candidacy for the Republican nomination of one Pat Buchanon, a columnist and commentator who served as an assistant to Richard Nixon, Gerald Ford, and Ronald Reagan. Buchanon was able to score over 20% in the first primary in New Hampshire, and while Bush did win all the primaries, it’s never a good look for an incumbent president to have to work for his re-nomination. Although he scored points on both domestic and foreign policy, in the end Buchanon was done in by his lack of experience in office, lesser name recognition, and horrible personality.
The early days of Bill Clinton’s run for the White House were marred by three scandals: an affair with a woman named Gennifer Flowers, an admission that he had tried marijuana as a young man, and accusations that he had dodged the draft during the Vietnam War.
To address the first question, Clinton’s affair and his general reputation for philandering, he appeared on the national TV show 60 Minutes in prime time with his wife, Hillary.
And most of the nation got its first look at Hillary Clinton.
|You may know her as the first woman to accidentally|
email the presidency to a cartoon billionaire.
The Clintons insisted that Bill’s canoodling was a private affair that they were dealing with in private, that they needed this privacy to air out these private matters, and the public should not concern itself with Bill’s privates. Also clear was the fact that Hillary was not a weak and submissive spouse, but an intelligent, educated and professionally accomplished woman.
“I’m not some little Tammy Wynette standing by her man,” said the blonde woman sitting next to her unfaithful husband. And democratic voters seemed satisfied enough; it never came up again (cough).
Clinton was able to set the marijuana question to rest by explaining that it happened only one time, and in fact he “didn’t inhale.” This made perfect sense and America totally believed him (COUGH).
|We totally believed him.|
As for the draft-dodging accusation, the nation came to realize that it wasn’t an issue after hearing Clinton’s explanation that it wasn’t an issue.
After finishing third in the Iowa caucus and second in the New Hampshire primary, Clinton dubbed himself “the Comeback Kid,” which totally made sense (cough), and headed south for more primaries. This, of course, was his home turf and he was able to win delegates, gain momentum, and win the nomination. For his running mate, Clinton moved to offset his own reputation for constant personal drama by choosing Al Gore, a man so boring his Secret Service code name was “Al Gore.”
And the race was on, Bush vs. Clinton in a battle for the White House. And—wait a minute--
Concerns over the budget deficit led some to believe that perhaps the government should be run like a business, and that possibly the best person to do that would be a billionaire businessman. This is an idea that persists to this day, an idea that it was thought could break the cycle of deficit spending, and an idea centered on reducing wastefulness and increasing efficiency in government. It’s also a bad idea, as we’ve seen, but that’s a topic for another post.
But this idea paved the way for the emergence of one Henry Ross Perot, Texas tycoon, and his entry into the 1992 campaign as an independent candidate.
Ross Perot entered the race, making a balanced budget and an end to the outsourcing of American jobs overseas central to his platform. He was also in favor of a direct, electronic democracy, and the fact that he made his billions in the field of data systems used by governments was obviously some sort of wild coincidence.
|I know, right?|
For his running mate, Perot chose James Stockdale, a vice admiral in the U.S. Navy, an aviator, and veteran of the Vietnam War in which he won the Medal of Honor and was a prisoner of war for seven years.
And now, finally, we’re off.
By 1992 the setpiece battle of any presidential campaign was the debate, or in this case, debates. There would be both presidential and vice-presidential debates, and they would both be three-way affairs.
The presidential debates are mostly remembered for George Bush looking at his watch like he had somewhere better to be. Clinton, for his part, showed his economic policy expertise, as well as his gift for relatable metaphors. He compared the American economy to Elvis; once lean and trim and adventurous, it had grown bloated and fat and was in danger off falling right off the toilet.
Sorry. I made that up.
Perot sold himself as a man willing to listen to others and solve problems, telling the audience, “if anyone has a better idea, I’m all ears.”
|I didn't make that up.|
The vice-presidential debates are mostly remembered for the nation’s introduction to Stockdale, who appeared elderly and clearly out of his element, as well as deaf and possibly fermented. His first words to the country as candidate for the second highest office in the land were “Who am I? What am I doing here?” This took some of the sizzle out of Perot’s campaign.
For Bush, Perot’s candidacy was problematic from the start. Although he faltered after a strong start and wound up winning 18.9% of the vote (after leading in the polls with 39% in June) and winning no states (thus garnering no electoral votes), he may well have pulled more votes away from Bush than from Clinton.
Bush also came off as generally out of touch with the voters of America, unaware of and unable to relate to their financial struggles. He showed amazement upon seeing a supermarket checkout scanner at work, leading Americans to believe he was insulated from regular daily life. Also, he looked at his watch during the debate.
On such weighty issues, Americans make their decisions. Clinton surged ahead.
George H.W. Bush, 41st President of the United States, retired to a home in Houston, Texas. Eventually his sons George and Jeb ventured into politics; George W. Bush was elected president in 2000 over Al Gore as the Bushes became the second father and son presidents in U.S. history. The elder George Bush died in 2018 at the age of 94.
Bill Clinton served two terms, nominated two Supreme Court justices, was impeached once, and for sure never inhaled (COUGH).
This is something of a deviation from my usual silliness, but I've long been fascinated by this stuff.
This little mathematical game, in its original form, was called The Game Of Life. Not to be confused with the Hasbro board game, it was invented in 1970 by a British mathematician named John Conway. It demonstrates how a simple set of purely local rules can lead to a complex world featuring an assortment of events and changing patterns that are not explicitly written into those rules. This phenomenon is often called emergence.
Each cell is surrounded by eight neighbors, and can be either on or off. From a starting configuration of ON cells, the game then proceeds step by step with cells either remaining in the on or off state, or changing from one to the other, depending on the state of its neighbors in the preceeding step.
The rules: if a cell has exactly two neighbors that are ON, it remains in its current state. On stays on, and off stays off. If a cell has three neighbors on, it stays on if it's already on, and turns on if it is off. If the cell has zero, one, or four or more neighbors on, it will be off the next step. Eventually, the grid will (as far as I've determined) reach a state where there is no further change, or a state that repeats itself in periodic fashion. There is no way to predict what is going to happen other than letting the game play out. Again, the larger patterns that result are not explicitly written into the rules, yet the system is entirely deterministic (each step is determined by the step before).
The original version was designed for an infinite grid. My computer, unfortunately, doesn't do infinite; I used a grid of 63 X 38.
Oh, and this was done on Excel 97, using screen capture and stop-motion software.