7 Things That Have Nothing To Do With Each Other

 

It's a listicle!

Everybody loves listicles. They are the dominant format for communication on the internet, and for very good reasons. They are organized, orderly, and hierarchical, just the way we love things. Everything in its box, clearly ranked and labeled and identified. Not at all like the messy, uncontained, undifferentiated goo that is our daily lives.

Now, most listicles are simply lists of famous actors, great movies, bad songs, scary things that live in your nose, that sort of thing. But those are easy--they practically write themselves. I know mine do. This time, I wanted a greater challenge. So here, without further ado, is a list of seven things that I find to be totally unrelated. Not only does each reside in its own box, those boxes might as well be on different continents.

They are ranked according to how weird they made my brain feel when I put them on the list.

7. Plywood

It seems like plywood is everywhere. We use it to build our homes. We make tables out of it. We make boxes out of it. We lean it up against the garage and leave it because we just know we can use it for something, someday. We throw it in piles, leave it for years, and if it's not stacked too neatly, small animals can live in the little cavities created underneath. If you're really clever, you can reach in and try to get them.

My dad even used plywood to make me a little guitar to replace the aluminum toy one that I accidentally sat on and bent the shit out of when I was seven years old. He only put four strings on it, though, the beginning of a musical career in which I got stuck playing the bass with every band I was ever in. Nobody pays attention to the bass player. I'm still bitter. But I seem to have wandered a bit.

Now you may think something so ubiquitous would have no place on a list like this, but you'd be wrong. So wrong. How can something that is literally all around us be closely tied to anything else in particular? How, indeed? So, plywood has a place on this list; however, due to the fact that it is so common, it doesn't make my brain feel very weird, so long as I don't think too much about my music career. Hence, it comes in at number seven.

6. Chopin's Nocturne Opus 9 No. 2

As anyone could tell you, there are few things in this world that have less to do with plywood than Chopin's Nocturne Opus 9 No. 2. That's common knowledge. But did you know that the Nocturnes were written by this man Frederic Chopin, between 1831 and 1832? And that he was Polish? And performed almost entirely in salons? No, you didn't. 

But more to the point: Chopin would have had little use for plywood. This is certain. Plywood may have been invented, more or less, by the ancient Egyptians, but 1832 is still early for the modern version of plywood to have been in mass production to the extent that it would have influenced a romantic composer like Chopin. Remember, even today, we don't make pianos out of plywood, because, scientifically speaking, they would sound horseshit. They would only have four strings. And plywood inspires no one romantically, I hope.  

So this piece is on its own as regards to plywood. But here, judge for yourself:

I rest my case.

5. The Death of George Peppard

If you thought Chopin's opus was easy to differentiate from plywood, consider this: since the 1994 death of actor George Peppard, thirty years ago now, there has still been no specific, positive link made between his demise and any of the other items on this list. Nothing, not even a rumor, much less a good tabloid headline. Yes, he well may have used or at least been near plywood on occasion, but so what? Since when does that make a guy special? He gets a pass because he was in The A Team? Please. There's just no real connection here. The man was an actor. And he did not die of plywood. So shut up.

And we know he must have held Chopin's Nocturne Opus 9 No. 2 in low regard, having never spoken of it once in his 65 years. I don't think it was played at his funeral, either. Even if it was, I doubt he ever heard it. 

And it certainly didn't kill him. It's not that bad.

4. That German Letter That Looks Like a B

It's called an eszett, and while it looks like a B, it's actually pronounced like a double S. At least it is as far as I read here. It's almost entirely irrelevant now, just an historical curiosity, as far as I can ascertain, or at least can be bothered to research. Not even the Germans use it much anymore, probably because it looks sort of pansy-ish and doesn't properly represent that guttural coughing and spitting and retching that is the German language we all know and love. Achtung!

But, as I'm sure we can all agree, the eszett has no real connection to anything else on this list. We can all agree on that, can't we? Can't we all just get along?

3. Wombats

Wombats are marsupials. Which means Australia, natch. Which means that when Chopin composed his nocturne, the nearest wombat was 8,664 miles away. 

Furthermore, wombats lack the opposable thumbs needed to manipulate plywood, and much of their evolutionary history occurred before the written German language even existed.

Nor has any wombat been conclusively linked to the death of George Peppard. There are probably theories being discussed online, but that is not a wombat hole I wish to go down.

Because they are rare outside their native Australia, there probably isn't one living under that pile of plywood in your driveway, either. Although, if you think there is, you should definitely reach in and see if you can get him.

2. Dish Soap

Yes, dish soap. We're all familiar with the stuff, usually blue or green, in a bottle promising to cut grease, clean the dirtiest dishes, and maybe clean up baby birds covered in crude oil. We all have some in our homes, but really, what does it have to do with anything else on this list? Nothing.

Actually, that was a rhetorical question.

Now, you might suggest that dish soap could be used to clean plywood, or point out that George Peppard probably used the stuff, but you'd be reaching. Really reaching. George Peppard was a wealthy Hollywood actor. He almost certainly had a dishwasher, and used the powdery stuff specially made for machines, not the liquid blue shit. And that's what we're talking about here, make no mistake. Real dish soap. He may have even paid someone to do his dishes and housecleaning for him, and never came into contact with cleaning agents at all. We just don't know.

So you can quit going on about how dish soap doesn't belong on this list; it absolutely does. Let it go, already. Dish soap stays, and I don't know why you keep prattling on about it, anyway. What's your problem with dish soap? 

Lately I'm wondering just what the hell is wrong with you.

1. Accidentally Tucking Your Shirt Inside Your Underwear

You probably haven't done this. Or, more likely, you think you haven't done this. You probably have, but it's been a while. But if you have (and you certainly have), it didn't require dish soap and your clothes were not made of plywood. No wombats witnessed it, and George Peppard was probably already dead. This one simply belongs at the top of the list, no question.

I suppose it is possible, though, that when you did accidentally tuck your shirt inside your underwear, you could have been playing Chopin's Nocturne Opus 9 No. 2, and if so, it was probably in some sort of public recital. Because that's the kind of kid you were. Good Christ, everybody saw you! How we all laughed. Remember?

Wait, are you not laughing about that yet? Shit, sorry. Just be glad there aren't any pictures. At least, not among the free stock images I searched.

OK, that's my list. Hope it made you think, and maybe, just maybe, helped you heal just a tiny bit.