I Got Your School Prayer Right Here

For those of you who don't follow news about legal rulings, or read any of the athier atheist blogs, last week a federal judge ruled in favor of 16-year old Rhode Island high school student Jessica Ahlquist in her lawsuit agaist her school district. For roughly the last 48 years, a banner has hung in Cranston High School West; it features a prayer written in 1960 by a seventh grader, and was given to the school by the class of 1963. Coincidentally, or not, it was in 1962 and 1963 that the U.S. Supreme Court issued a pair of landmark rulings deeming such things unconstitutional and therefore illegal in public schools. You can see it to the left; click to embiggen, but it's pretty standard stuff, calling on "Our Heavenly Father" to please grant us basic human decency and help us learn to be better, more honest people.
Today the school board is reportedly discussing whether or not to comply with the judge's ruling and take down the banner. And, much to everyone's surprise, the morally superior Christian population has responded graciously rained down threats of hellfire, damnation and violence on Jessica. Here is just a small, small sample of tweets about the case:

Margaret @jessicaahlquist U little brainless idiot, hope u will be punished, you have not win sh..t! Stupid little brainless skunk!

iCrothsnotTM @jessicaahlquist How does it feel to be the most hated person in RI right now? Your a puke and a disgrace to the human race. It’s still up!

Jessica Ahlquist My home address was posted in the comments on the projo website. I have little siblings and a sick mother. You cannot be serious. Retweeted by iCrothsnotTM

amanda aldridge she just destroyed a piece of cranston west’s history. hope you’re happy #stupidbitch

Matt Starchild May that little, evil athiest teenage girl and that judge BURN IN HELL!

Elijah Kilbane If this banner comes down, hell i hope the school burns down with it!

Sydney Magner Honestly I think the juniors are the most mad about the banner thing because all of us actually know the psycho bitch.

Gab Zaccaria I think everyone should just fight this girl.

Zach The Dog Fuck Jessica alquist I’ll drop anchor on her face

Caleb McDevitt im sabotaging her site on fb lets just say its going to be nuts you need in on dat dawg?

AJ St.Angelo Let’s all jump the girl who did the banner #fuckthatho

Im Dante Smith hail Mary full of grace @jessicaahlquist is gonna get punched in the face

And her state representative, Rep. Peter Palumbo, called her an "evil little thing."
Did I mention she's a 16-year old girl who won her case in court?

So, obviously, whatever the original intention of hanging a prayer banner in a school gymnasium was, either it didn't work or this is just what happens when a large group of people waits for a magical supreme being to grant them qualities they should probably work on acquiring by other means. In fact, it's obvious that the prayer needs a little work, to bring it more in line with its own ideal of "honesty." Here is an honest prayer for the good people of Cranston High School West. They won't be able to hang this banner in the gym, but perhaps every student could print out a copy and memorize it and carry it to school that way.


  1. Your amended school prayer is the way they do seem to roll at Cranston High School West.

  2. I'd like to steal this and turn it into a meme.

  3. Thumbs up. I hope that someone, somewhere manages to shove it into the face of some Cranston bigot and show them exactly what they look like to the outside world.

  4. Brilliant! I tweeted this, hope you don't mind?

  5. What really tickles my bones about these sorts of things is how quickly the influential Christians (e.g. the Pat Robertsons, Mormon Leaders, George Bush) come out of the wood works to speak out against discriminating this girl and how she did a service to her country in supporting our god damn Constitution! wait... no... that's not right.

  6. Do you people realize you're telling a teenage girl who is objecting to being religiously insulted at school to go to hell? Are you freaking serious? Freaking unbelievable. So nice and polite to someone until you realize theyre atheist. To quote ghandi, "I very much like your Christ, but you Christians are so unlike him." if you're whole argument is that you are defending god and Jesus, then do you think Jesus would go around giving people death threats?

  7. I think I am in love.

  8. Alternatively if the people want a prayer that's really short but also really accurate and helpful they could do worse than adopt Dr Stephen Franklin's one from 'Babylon 5' :

    “May God save us from false religion.”

  9. This rocks!!! If they had put this sign at Cranston, I would be the last to try it!

  10. Now that's more like it! Feel the Christian Love! Amen!

  11. One of the best versions I've seen yet, So much more apt than the original!

  12. Liberals. Never let facts stand in the way of your emotions.