2/24/12

Twilight: The Rejected Manuscripts


By now, practically everyone has had at least some exposure to the Twilight phenomenon.  Between the best-selling books, the lucrative series of movies, and the hordes of shrieking 13-year old girls, it can be hard to avoid such a powerful piece of pop culture.
What most people don't know, because of course I'm making it all up, is that author Stephenie Meyer had many false starts and endured quite a few rejections from publishers before finally settling on the sparkly vampire motif. Here, for your entertainment, are a few of the ideas that didn't cut it.

Draft #1

Bella Swan doesn't expect much when she moves to the small town of Forks, Washington, to live with her father and go to high school there. At least not until she meets the tall, handsome and mysterious Edward Cullen, who really isn't like any of the other boys.
Although powerfully drawn to him, she begins to suspect he's not quite what he seems when the tuxedo he rents for the prom doesn't fit over the bolts in his neck.  As their worlds and hearts collide, Edward must battle the rage he feels over his slipshod construction in the laboratory of a mad scientist, and resist the powerful urge to drown Bella in a lily pond.








Draft #2

Bella Swan doesn't expect much when she moves to the small town of Forks, Washington, to live with her father and go to high school there. At least not until she meets the tall, handsome and mysterious Edward Cullen, who really isn't like any of the other boys.
Although powerfully drawn to him, she begins to suspect he's not quite what he seems when hordes of orcs flee in terror at the sound of him stirring deep within the earth. As their worlds and hearts collide, Edward must resist the powerful urge to wrap his flaming whip around Bella's ankle and drag her down into the pit of hell, consuming her with his burning caress.







Draft #3

Bella Swan doesn't expect much when she moves to the small town of Forks, Washington, to live with her father and go to high school there. At least not until she meets the tall, handsome and mysterious Edward Cullen, who really isn't like any of the other boys.
Although powerfully drawn to him, she begins to suspect he's not quite what he seems when it dawns on her that he's actually Gary Busey in a gingerbread man costume. As their worlds and hearts collide, Edward must battle the insanity of being Gary Busey and resist the powerful urge to draw Bella into his world of embarrassing self-parody.








Draft #4

Bella Swan doesn't expect much when she moves to the small town of Forks, Washington, to live with her father and go to high school there. At least not until she meets the tall, handsome and mysterious Edward Cullen, who really isn't like any of the other boys.
Although powerfully drawn to him, she begins to suspect he's not quite what he seems when her friends turn up one by one in the woods, hanging by their ankles with blood draining from gaping throat wounds. As their worlds and hearts collide, Edward must resist the powerful urge to set off the tactical nuclear weapon on his wrist.








Draft #5

Bella Swan doesn't expect much when she moves to the small town of Forks, Washington, to live with her father and go to high school there. At least not until she meets the tall, handsome and mysterious Edward Cullen, who really isn't like any of the other boys.
Although powerfully drawn to him, she begins to suspect he's not quite what he seems when he declines to accompany her to the beach with her friends, only to turn up later far out to sea with harpoons protruding from his flesh. As their worlds and hearts collide, Edward must resist the powerful urge to open his belly and let  that little Kintner boy spill out all over the dock.








Draft #6

Bella Swan doesn't expect much when she moves to the small town of Forks, Washington, to live with her father and go to high school there. At least not until she meets the tall, handsome and mysterious Edward Cullen, who really isn't like any of the other boys.
Although powerfully drawn to him, she begins to suspect he's not quite what he seems when she notices the single unblinking eye where his anus should be. As their worlds and hearts collide, Edward must resist the powerful urge to pull his pants down and terrify passers-by with his hideous deformity.

1 comment:

  1. TLC here: my favorite is the last one.

    ReplyDelete