In a move that had been brewing for centuries, the Pantheon of Gods announced after a meeting last week that Yahweh, long-time CEO of Earth, LLC, would be removed from the position He had held for the last 6000 years. In a brief, and rather terse, statement, the Pantheon revealed that repeated mismanagement of the Mankind Project was the reason.
|At the peak of His power, Yahweh was considered Almighty.|
While the official statement did not go into details and did not overtly blame Yahweh for the struggling project, behind the scenes chatter told a different story as members of the Pantheon as well as former Yahweh underlings came forward to tell a tale of managerial incompetence from the First Day.
"It's no secret, really. His time as CEO was a disaster from the beginning," said one minor god who asked not to be named as that automatically summons his presence. "The first prototype humans were obviously flawed, failing to respond to the simplest of commands. And what does Yahweh do? He goes into production anyway. That's just asking for failure."
And a failure it was, by all reports, leading to a massive recall in 2349 B.C. Not only humans, but the entire line of earthly life forms was so flawed that nearly the entire inventory had to be destroyed on the factory floor. Although somewhat controversial at the time, it could be argued that it was a necessary shake-up for a company whose products had simply grown too complex and unwieldy for the market.
|The PR department tried to put a positive spin on the recall, but such a|
disaster is not easily dismissed.
But it was Yahweh's next move that really left industry observers scratching their heads.
"I still can't believe He went back into production with the same designs," said another minor deity, an expression of disbelief on one of his faces. "I mean, what the hell was the recall for? It accomplished nothing. I even heard He saved a few of the flawed units to serve as the new prototypes. That makes no sense.
"Duh. You don't need an MBA to figure out that wouldn't work."
And then, to compound difficulties even further, Yahweh's "Tower Of Babel" decision split the entire line of Mankind products into a plethora of mutually incompatible devices unable to communicate with one another. This decision was particularly problematic given the obvious market demand for products that could work together.
Another sign of trouble was evident from the start: a heavy-handed, authoritative, dictatorial management style that relied on severe punishment for the most minor of transgressions; rarely was good performance rewarded with anything more than vague promises of untold riches in some other realm of existence.
"Yeah, the whole bonus package was really back-loaded," said a former employee, who also asked not to be named for fear of incurring Yahweh's wrath. "Nothing was ever really guaranteed. It's like we were supposed to take it on faith.
"And the dental plan sucked."
These problems often resulted in a corporate environment of near-anarchy.
"He couldn't even get His hand-picked people to listen to Him," said another well-placed source within the organization. "Every time He left them to their own devices, they started looking for another leader, ready to follow anybody else's commands."
Those rival candidates for power included not only Baal, a well known rival god, but on one memorable occasion, alternate leadership was sought from an inanimate metal statue of a cow.
"Yeah, that was hilarious, although maybe it didn't strike me that way at the time," said a former high-ranking officer. "I was carrying down a set of executive orders to the senior staff, only to find everybody taking orders from this statue. I was so taken aback I dropped the damn tablets and Yahweh had to issue another set. It was a comedy of errors around there."
|Factory-floor accidents like this one were all too common under Yahweh's leadership.|
The final straw, most agree, was the hiring of Yahweh's son Jesus to oversee the restructuring of the project despite Jesus' lack of executive experience. Brought in to be Mankind's savior, he rarely leaves the Pantheon's corporate office these days, despite promises to return to Earth in person and resume a day-to-day role in operations. And the nepotism inherent in the choice was lost on no one.
Jesus is expected to be fired as soon as the new CEO is named, a decision that will likely be made over the next few weeks. In the meantime, it was announced that Hindu goddess Kali will serve as interim Head of Operations.
"We expect that Kali will provide the company with several firm guiding hands while we are forming the search committee that will recruit Yahweh's successor," said the official statement. "She will be taking on this role, temporarily, in addition to her regular duties, but we believe she's more than capable of juggling the various responsibilities. She's a real multi-tasker."
Earth stock prices rose sharply after the announcement.