This is part nine of my series on losing presidential candidates that began with Richard Nixon in 1960. This time up we have George H.W. Bush and his unsuccessful campaign for re-election in 1992. As always, it is absolutely, positively 100% historically accurate, except for the stuff I made up. I trust you’ll be able to tell the difference.
The names have not been changed because these people are politicians and deserve our derision and scorn.
George Herbert Walker Bush was born on June 12, 1924 in
Milton, Massachusetts. He was the second son of Prescott Sheldon Bush, a
wealthy investment banker and a U.S. Senator representing the state of
Connecticut. Young George was raised in Greenwich, Connecticut, which
sharp-eyed readers will recognize as the source of all standardized
intelligence tests and the reason why those tests always contain word problems
that begin with “Teddy leaves Sag Harbor on the brunchtime jitney...”
The Bush family also had a vacation home in Kennebunkport,
Maine, and his grandparents owned a plantation in South Carolina.
You may think all of this portends a life of wealth,
privilege, and insufferable douchebaggery, but you would be wrong. In those
days, douchebaggery was actually called “foppishness” and there were special
schools to develop and refine it.
Bush served as a naval aviator in World War II, during which
he won the Distinguished Flying Cross for being shot down, bailing out, and
being rescued rather than being captured, executed and having his liver eaten
by his captors, as happened with some of his fellow aviators during the same
doomed attack. This, as so often happens, convinced young George that God had
some plan in mind for him. The Promethean plan God apparently had for his
comrades remains one of those unknowable yet profound mysteries that surround
the Christian deity.
After his service,
Bush attended Yale University, where he was a fratboy, baseball player, and
cheerleader. He was also initiated into the Skull and Crossbones secret
society, where he first became one of the Lizard People [citation needed]. He
graduated in 1948 with a Bachelor of Arts degree in economics.
Bush then moved to Texas, where he got involved in politics.
He was defeated in a campaign for U.S. Senate in 1964, and two years later was
elected to the U.S. House of Representatives. In 1970 he was again defeated in
a Senate race.
Bush was appointed by Richard Nixon as U.S. Ambassador to
the United Nations in 1971 and as Chairman of the Republican National Committee
in 1973. He also served as Director of the CIA from 1976-1977.
This resume, which is, like, totally honorable and
everything, set up a presidential run in 1980, which led to being chosen as
Ronald Reagan’s running mate in the general election that year. Bush served as
vice-president until defeating Michael
Dukakis in the 1988 presidential election.
George H.W. Bush moved into the White House in 1989, and for
the first three years of his presidency, things appeared to go fairly
swimmingly. In that first year, all the communist governments in Eastern Europe
collapsed, and the 40-year Cold War with the Soviet Union came to an end. The
Soviet Union dissolved into 15 states at the end of 1991.
Also in 1991, Bush led the United States into the Gulf War
with Iraq, after its leader Saddam Hussein attempted to conquer neighboring
Kuwait. The American forces were successful in evicting Iraqi troops in a
matter of weeks.
Though largely a symbolic gesture, Bush also left a mark in the realm of foreign policy by throwing up in the lap of Japanese Prime Minister Kiichi Miyazawa in 1992.
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| Normally, he'd use the "Oval Office" for that. |
As the war came to a close, Bush’s approval rating was sitting at a stratospheric 90%.
So exactly how, just a year and a half later, did Bush lose an election to a fat, lecherous hillbilly?
Enter Bill Clinton
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| The hillbilly Grover Cleveland, as it were. |
By 1987, Clinton was something of a rising star and there was speculation that he would run for president in 1988. Two frontrunners, New York Governor Mario Cuomo and Colorado Philanderer Gary Hart, both dropped out. Despite the opening, Clinton also decided to forego the race and remain governor. He did give the opening night address at the Democratic convention; it went on for 33 minutes, showing both Clinton’s deep understanding of economic policy, as well as his uncanny ability to keep talking after everyone has left the room.
This, after Bush’s defeat of Dukakis in November, set up
Clinton to challenge for the Democratic nomination for President four years
later.
Also, he was married to one Hillary Rodham Clinton, whom
you’ve probably heard of.
Again, Bush seemed to be in terrific shape going into 1992. There were some darker clouds on the horizon, however: the economy was stagnant and unemployment had risen from 5.9 to 7.8%. The federal deficit had increased considerably and was a matter of growing concern to Americans. Bush had also reneged on his 1988 pledge not to raise taxes, having insisted at the time that he would say to congress, “read my lips; no new taxes” if they suggested doing so.
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| In fact, the man had no lips. |
The budget deal Bush agreed to was regarded as a betrayal by the more ultra-conservative members of the party, and resulted in the candidacy for the Republican nomination of one Pat Buchanon, a columnist and commentator who served as an assistant to Richard Nixon, Gerald Ford, and Ronald Reagan. Buchanon was able to score over 20% in the first primary in New Hampshire, and while Bush did win all the primaries, it’s never a good look for an incumbent president to have to work for his re-nomination. Although he scored points on both domestic and foreign policy, in the end Buchanon was done in by his lack of experience in office, lesser name recognition, and horrible personality.
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| Yup. |
The early days of Bill Clinton’s run for the White House
were marred by three scandals: an affair with a woman named Gennifer Flowers,
an admission that he had tried marijuana as a young man, and accusations that
he had dodged the draft during the Vietnam War.
To address the first question, Clinton’s affair and his
general reputation for philandering, he appeared on the national TV show 60 Minutes in prime time with his wife,
Hillary.
And most of the nation got its first look at Hillary Clinton.
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| You may know her as the first woman to accidentally email the presidency to a cartoon billionaire. |
The Clintons insisted that Bill’s canoodling was a private affair that they were dealing with in private, that they needed this privacy to air out these private matters, and the public should not concern itself with Bill’s privates. Also clear was the fact that Hillary was not a weak and submissive spouse, but an intelligent, educated and professionally accomplished woman.
“I’m not some little Tammy Wynette standing by her man,”
said the blonde woman sitting next to her unfaithful husband. And democratic
voters seemed satisfied enough; it never came up again (cough).
Clinton was able to set the marijuana question to rest by explaining that it happened only one time, and in fact he “didn’t inhale.” This made perfect sense and America totally believed him (COUGH).
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| We totally believed him. |
As for the draft-dodging accusation, the nation came to realize that it wasn’t an issue after hearing Clinton’s explanation that it wasn’t an issue.
After finishing third in the Iowa caucus and second in the New Hampshire primary, Clinton dubbed himself “the Comeback Kid,” which totally made sense (cough), and headed south for more primaries. This, of course, was his home turf and he was able to win delegates, gain momentum, and win the nomination. For his running mate, Clinton moved to offset his own reputation for constant personal drama by choosing Al Gore, a man so boring his Secret Service code name was “Al Gore.”
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| Al Gore. |
And the race was on, Bush vs. Clinton in a battle for the White House. And—wait a minute--
Concerns over the budget deficit led some to believe that
perhaps the government should be run like a business, and that possibly the
best person to do that would be a billionaire businessman. This is an idea that
persists to this day, an idea that it was thought could break the cycle of
deficit spending, and an idea centered on reducing wastefulness and increasing
efficiency in government. It’s also a bad
idea, as we’ve seen, but that’s a topic for another post.
But this idea paved the way for the emergence of one Henry
Ross Perot, Texas tycoon, and his entry into the 1992 campaign as an
independent candidate.
Ross Perot entered the race, making a balanced budget and an end to the outsourcing of American jobs overseas central to his platform. He was also in favor of a direct, electronic democracy, and the fact that he made his billions in the field of data systems used by governments was obviously some sort of wild coincidence.
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| I know, right? |
For his running mate, Perot chose James Stockdale, a vice admiral in the U.S. Navy, an aviator, and veteran of the Vietnam War in which he won the Medal of Honor and was a prisoner of war for seven years.
And now, finally, we’re off.
By 1992 the setpiece battle of any presidential campaign was
the debate, or in this case, debates. There would be both presidential and
vice-presidential debates, and they would both be three-way affairs.
The presidential debates are mostly remembered for George
Bush looking at his watch like he had somewhere better to be. Clinton, for his
part, showed his economic policy expertise, as well as his gift for relatable
metaphors. He compared the American economy to Elvis; once lean and trim and
adventurous, it had grown bloated and fat and was in danger of falling right
off the toilet.
Sorry. I made that up.
Perot sold himself as a man willing to listen to others and solve problems, telling the audience, “if anyone has a better idea, I’m all ears.”
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| I didn't make that up. |
The vice-presidential debates are mostly remembered for the nation’s introduction to Stockdale, who appeared elderly and clearly out of his element, as well as deaf and possibly fermented. His first words to the country as candidate for the second highest office in the land were “Who am I? What am I doing here?” This took some of the sizzle out of Perot’s campaign.
For Bush, Perot’s candidacy was problematic from the start.
Although he faltered after a strong start and wound up winning 18.9% of the
vote (after leading in the polls with 39% in June) and winning no states (thus
garnering no electoral votes), he may well have pulled more votes away from
Bush than from Clinton.
Bush also came off as generally out of touch with the voters
of America, unaware of and unable to relate to their financial struggles. He
showed amazement upon seeing a supermarket checkout scanner at work, leading
Americans to believe he was insulated from regular daily life. Also, he looked
at his watch during the debate.
On such weighty issues, Americans make their decisions.
Clinton surged ahead.
Election Night
The Aftermath
George H.W. Bush, 41st President of the United
States, retired to a home in Houston, Texas. Eventually his sons George and Jeb
ventured into politics; George W. Bush was elected president in 2000 over Al
Gore as the Bushes became the second father and son presidents in U.S. history.
The elder George Bush died in 2018 at the age of 94.
Bill Clinton served two terms, nominated two Supreme Court
justices, was impeached once, and for sure never inhaled (COUGH).
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