Trump Sells America For $10, Gold Statue of Himself

WASHINGTON, D.C.--Terming it "hitting the ground running like has never been seen before," President-elect Donald Trump announced today on his social media site Truth Social that the United States of America, an independent nation since 1776, has been sold to Russia for 10 U.S. dollars and a gold statue of Trump himself.

While details of the deal have not been officially released, it is believed that the statue will be life sized and will depict Trump either dancing, mocking a disabled person or getting shot at, considered his defining moments as a political figure. It will be displayed at the National Mall in Washington, and the unveiling will be attended by the largest crowd ever to gather there in history. Miniature versions will also be made available to supporters and "investors" for around $150,000.

Possible designs for the new statue.

The deal is expected to be approved by the Republican-controlled congress with no defections from that side of the aisle, with House Speaker Mike Johnson stating, "we have to support him on this to show the world a unified nation, and not because of any threats or anything, because that almost certainly didn't happen, nor did I just pee down my leg thinking about it."

Senator Susan Collins of Maine expressed her concern for the terms of the deal, but felt that "he will learn his lesson from this" and indicated she will vote for the bill, which will be introduced immediately when the new Senate convenes in January.

It is also reported that Russia will not be assuming America's national debt, some $34 trillion, but rather the U.S. will carry that as a debt to the new owners, a group led by Russian president Vladimir Putin. Trump will also claim a 15 per cent "finder's fee," to be paid immediately upon the sale being approved by congress. The payments will likely be funded by cutting wasteful social spending on Americans and imposing new tariffs on America's trade partners, although Trump would not rule out convincing Mexico to pay for it. 

Trump supporters around the country rejoiced at the news, hailing Trump as a "genius," saying things like "what a smart businessman," and "I bet he took those Russian clowns to the cleaners!" 

"I can just taste the liberal tears," said one man, dressed as Uncle Sam while lighting his farts on fire.

In possibly related news, internet searches of the term "indentured servitude" were reported to have spiked in several of the battleground states that Trump won, shortly after the initial enthusiastic public approval and accolades were expressed.

Trump also said on Truth Social that he would have a concept of an explanation of why the sale will "make America great again" in two weeks.