I Have Some Ideas For Future Moral Panics

I have always thought of myself as a forward-thinking person. I like to plan ahead; failing to do so can result in nasty surprises, creating situations one is not prepared for. You risk becoming trapped in that most desperate of circumstances: having nothing in your life to be unreasonably terrified of. 

I absolutely would not want anyone to go through that experience. It's a horrible, empty feeling, and, I swear, I would not wish it on my worst enemies. Just imagine--not being afraid of or outraged by something possibly going on somewhere that has no real effect on your life but offends you grievously. Think about it--how can you say you care about children when you're not even remotely freaking out? 

I believe the current moral panic over drag shows will eventually fade, as all moral panics do. Either people will stop wearing clothes and accessories traditionally associated with the opposite sex due to new laws, death threats and other forms of intimidation, or, maybe, Americans will come to their senses and realize it's not actually a threat to anyone and they've been losing their shit over nothing. 

HA HA HA HA HA HA. Kidding. Seriously, though, eventually the panic will end. 

So--and this is a public service I am happy to perform--I have been racking my brain and examining our entire culture to come up with some ideas for the next moral panic. We should have months or even years left with the current model, but it never hurts to have somebody in the on-deck circle. 

So I will present some ideas here. For illustration, I'm using Tucker Carlson screenshots from his old show on Fox News. Yes, I am aware he's been fired, and his rumored future show on Twitter will only interest people lacking the internet skills to find it, but I'm going with the assumption that Fox News will soon replace him with someone who looks and sounds just like him. You know, angry white guy in a suit, who resembles nothing so much as the bad guy in an episode of Charlie's Angels. The talent pool is pretty deep. They'll find somebody. 

So here goes: 

1.Magicians 

Well, this is obvious. The stage magician sawing women in half, making people disappear, making flowers appear from nothing--either these are tricks designed to fool us, or these performers are tapping into a power not of God. If it's the latter, our children may learn to harness this power themselves. 

Two words: parental rights. We have a right to mold our children into what we want them to be, to control their lives absolutely, and never have them question their roles in this world. We can not have them levitating about and throwing lightning bolts and shit. This might interfere with Bible study.

If it's the former, and these are merely tricks designed to fool us, I, for one, do not want to know. 

2. Mimes 

Yes, this is some seriously low-hanging fruit here, as no one likes mimes. But how are they a threat to children, exactly? How can we make our case? 

Well, they don't talk. THEY DON'T TALK. This obviously endangers children, who may learn to imitate the mimes, then grow up to be adults that know how to shut the fuck up. This could lead to, among other undesirable traits, a habit of listening to others. 

Mimes are clearly grooming our children, and it must stop. Lock them up in a box, I say. 

3. Bob Ross 

Oh, this guy. This guy. 

First of all, the guy is constantly painting happy trees. HAPPY TREES, people. If children grow up believing that trees are happy, they might not see them for the clear existential threat that they are. Children could come to respect them as valuable living things, and fail to understand that trees are giant, monstrous beasts that provide homes and food to vermin, cause pollution, and need to be removed so four more people have a place to park their cars. 

He also teaches that you can do anything you can imagine, that you have control over your world, that nature is beautiful, and that little mistakes can become happy accidents. What kind of lesson is that? The danger here is that it will distract children and not prepare them for their true destiny: a utopian future of banned books, active shooter drills, and working with industrial solvents in a factory at age 12. 

And that hair? It's clearly...ethnic. Multi-cultural and woke. Woke, woke, woke. Like he's saying it's okay for white people to borrow from a culture not invented by white people. Like that's okay. 

Also, from the looks of it, his hair could have squirrels or something living in it. Squirrels. Need I say more? 

4. Dogs Playing Poker 

Dogs do not play poker. DOGS DO NOT PLAY POKER. I mean, they can barely even hold the cards. WHAT ARE WE TEACHING OUR CHILDREN? And how does this help them learn how to handle industrial solvents? 

5. Spelling Bees 

These contests groom children by teaching them to spell big words. And that, my friends, is the slipperiest of slopes. It's a gateway, clearly, to learning what those words mean. And that could lead to...reading. Reading books. That's right. Books, which, as we know, are often written by authors. This is not the future we want. 

Also, if kids know big words, how are we as adults supposed to show them how smart we are? I am at a loss. 

6. Mr. Bean 

He's cute, he's funny, and he's clearly unarmed. This will turn our children gay.