So I Heard This Funny Joke

I can't take credit for this one, but it's too good not to share. And, to get technical, I didn't hear it but rather saw it on Teh Internetz.

Q: What's the difference between Rush Limbaugh and the Hindenburg?
A: One is a flaming Nazi gasbag; the other is a magnificent German airship.

For direct comparison:

That's Limbaugh in the top photo, positively radiating intelligence as always.

Romney Pledges "Return To Normaldom"

With most national polls continuing to show President Obama leading Republican nominee Mitt Romney in the race for the White House, and having extended his lead since the national conventions ended, the Romney campaign has begun to focus on statements designed to make the candidate seem more "presidential."

In a recent speech to a group of supporters in Fairfax, Virginia, Romney pledged that under his administration America would see a "return to normaldom," a phrase eerily reminiscent of Warren G. Harding's "return to normalcy" statement in 1920 that established a president's power to make up new words.

Other phrases also echoed the statements of past American presidents.

"Ask not what your country can do for you," said Romney to a cheering throng of roughly 3000 people, "but rather ask your parents to loan you money to start a business. Times are tough, but remember: the only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and maybe being strapped to the roof of a car for a long road trip."

"I cannot tell a lie. I sold that cherry tree,
along with the rest of the farm's assets."

Romney paused to soak in the applause, then added: "Our long national nightmare is coffee."

The candidate also sought to defuse criticism of his business practices while CEO of Bain Capital, as well as defending the seemingly low tax bill he has paid on his considerable income. "My fellow real Americans, let me make one thing perfectly clear: under the current financial sector regulations and tax laws, I am not a crook."

Romney concluded by displaying a small plaque that he promises will adorn his desk in the Oval Office should he be elected, a plaque which reads: "The buck stops here." The plaque currently resides in Romney's wallet.

Republicans Show Their Understanding Of The Democratic Process Again

This adorable political ad has been showing up around the 'net recently:

(Chip Cravaack is an incumbent Republican congressman from Minnesota.)

Welcome to Republicanland, where a political party trying to garner enough seats in congress to establish a majority is seen as an attempt at a takeover. Loaded word much?

Yeah. Obviously the Democratic Party is a dark conspiracy, a bunch of like-minded individuals banding together to gain legal authority by...winning elections. Eleventy!!!!

Meanwhile, Republican primary runner-up Rick Santorum was recently seen and heard decrying the fact that smart people aren't on his side:


Understand that this is a wealthy white man with three degrees from public universities, including a law degree, who thinks our laws should be derived from the holy book of his religion, complaining about "elites" who want to tell you what to do. Of course this is vastly different from people like Santorum, who merely want to be elected to positions in government where they have the authority to make laws and shit.

These people are about a hop and a skip away from accusing their opponents of being practicing thespians who are sometimes guilty of exacerbation.

Wait, sorry--I forgot that understanding what words mean makes me "elitist." Yeah, I went to college. Better take my vote away.

To sum it up: a political party is a conspiracy, and trying to gain a majority in congress is a takeover attempt. Wanting exceptional, intelligent, educated representatives in government is elitist. Elected officials drafting and passing laws are telling you what to do. Judges who issue legal rulings are activists legislating from the bench.

Next week: How Obama stole the 2008 election by getting more people to vote for him than his opponent did. Clearly he could only have accomplished this by using persuasive techniques. Did you ever think such a thing could happen in America?

Republican Celebrities Set To Debate Furniture, Appliances

After a successful national convention, the Republican party is gearing up to begin the campaign for the White House, Senate and House of Representatives in earnest and plans to leave no stone unturned.

Taking a page from that convention, and one of its most memorable moments, the Republican National Committee announced today that it has lined up a series of debates seeking to emulate Clint Eastwood's impressive performance against an empty chair last Thursday night. The 82-year old actor had no trouble trouncing the piece of furniture on every point that came up, creating one of the great storylines of the convention and giving the Republicans some new ideas as they go forward.

An impressive lineup of Republican celebrities will be debating various articles of furniture, several types of kitchen appliances, and other well-known objects.

"Eastwood's performance was so impressive, it's shown us that we have a great untapped resource in today's Republican party," said National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus. "We have a powerful contingent of aging white celebrity men who are especially gifted at debating inanimate objects--they know how to prepare, how to do their homework, and especially how to think on their feet much better than any appliance or furniture that the Democrats can trot out. We plan to use this resource."

While details of the debate schedule are still being worked out, a few Republican celebrities have already signed up to participate.

"We already have Eastwood, and he's agreed to debate an entire dinette set," said Priebus. "This will be more of a challenge than what he faced at the convention, but that's what we want to do--line up appropriately tough opponents for all our celebrities. In the interests of having lively debates and really raising the level of political discourse in this country, we want to put our people up against the toughest opposition we can find."

"For example, talk-show host Rush Limbaugh will be matched against an open refrigerator. Full of food. And while we feel this will not be easy, we feel confident that Rush will eat that refrigerator's lunch. Another event will feature Hank Williams, Jr., discussing Constitutional law with a partially deflated football. You know he'll be ready for that."

The toughest challenge will likely be faced by actor and martial arts expert Chuck Norris, who will square off against a blender. "That will be a real challenge for him," said Priebus, "especially when you remember that the blender can perform four functions (blend, liquefy, puree and whip) against Chuck Norris' three (eat, sleep, kick people in the head). But you know Mr. Norris will not back down from a challenge."

Other matchups will include Megadeth guitarist Dave Mustaine pitting his brain against a bag of wet firecrackers, 1970's guitar hero Ted Nugent doing battle with a fencepost, and child actor Kurt Cameron debating some toast. Also being featured is comedienne Victoria Jackson, who will attempt to avoid walking into a wall for 45 minutes.

"We want to showcase our best thinkers," said Priebus. "We want to challenge them, but we are confident of victory. These people are truly exceptional, and will represent today's Republican party in a way that will make us all proud."

Below: Clint Eastwood takes on the chair.

Speaking With Barack In The Oval Office

Image credit: Eos, Always In Love

In the interests of fairness, or at least pretending to be fair and unbiased, here is an Obama joke.
Alternate title: Putting Barack in the White House.

Here's An Idea

Since the Republicans are so enthralled with voucher systems these days, pushing them as a workable solution for everything from Medicare to public education (which is nothing but a back-door way of funding religious institutions in violation of the Constitution) how about this: rather than actually casting a vote for the Mitt Romney/Paul Ryan ticket, print and fill out a copy of this voucher, good for one vote in the upcoming election. Send it to:

Romney for President
575 Commercial Street 
Boston, Massachusetts USA 02114-9756

Click on image to see full-size .jpg.  Please. You may need to do so in order to read the tiny little jokes.

I'm sure the Republican candidates will appreciate your support.

Stalking The Candidates

Did I say stalking? No, no...I meant following. You know, on Twitter.

Yes, I recently signed up to follow both Barack Obama and Mitt Romney on Twitter. Not surprisingly, the Obama account seems to be producing far more tweets than the Romney account.

Not that I'm under any delusion that either man is actually tweeting, mind you. I'm sure both of them employ others empowered to tweet under their good names. And I suspect Romney, being Romney, is just itching to fire a couple of his tweeters (twitterers? twits?) as the campaign moves along, just because we know he gets a kick out of that sort of thing.

Neither am I under any delusion that they will ever see any replies I make to their tweets. Both men are obviously busy, Obama with being president and Romney with trashing our allies overseas (more on that in a bit).

That won't stop me from replying, of course. I just can't shut up. The challenge, though, will be to fit those replies into the woefully inadequate 140-character limit. So what you likely will see will be stuff like this:

Not that I'm going to let Obama off easily; I'm sure I will feel the need to respond to him as well, especially when he barfs up oatmeal like he did here:

Yes, I know. Tilting at windmills, and all that.

If you want to track my pointless arguing at these two famous men who will never respond, I suggest you sign up to follow @feralboy12 on Twitter. I will also try to put up a feed here at this site, somewhere over in that column on the right-hand side of this page.

Meanwhile, Romney recently trekked to England, where they are opening the 2012 Olympic Games. He's making friends fast, especially with quotes like this about our erstwhile allies (from his book):

England [sic] is just a small island. Its roads and houses are small. With few exceptions, it doesn’t make things that people in the rest of the world want to buy. And if it hadn’t been separated from the continent by water, it almost certainly would have been lost to Hitler’s ambitions. Yet only two lifetimes ago, Britain ruled the largest and wealthiest empire in the history of humankind. Britain controlled a quarter of the earth’s land and a quarter of the earth’s population.

Ignorant prick.

So how did England rule that large, wealthy empire, spread out over a quarter of the earth's land?

They did so with the most powerful naval force the world had ever seen. Which also, I suspect, helped them keep control of that water that separated them from the continent and protected them from Hitler's ambitions.

Oh, and...Battle of Britain, jerk. The only way Germany was ever going to be able to invade the British Isles against a superior naval force was to gain control of the air with their vaunted Luftwaffe. They tried...they failed. After that, there was virtually no chance of an invasion of ground troops. The plans for that ("Operation Sea Lion") were shelved once England opened up that can of whoop-ass.

"We saved your ass in World War II, you silly
limey bastards! I saw a John Wayne movie on the telly!"

This left England able to host a build-up of troops, including a whole lot of our brave American fighting men, in a staging action that made D-Day possible.

The Brits won this battle at great cost in lives and material. Thanks, Mitt, for belittling their sacrifices.

The Luftwaffe was never the same after their failure in the Battle of Britain. And as rough as D-Day was, it would have been much worse, and quite possibly disastrous, had Germany still possessed a powerful air force to throw into the mix.

Criminy. Read a book, Mitt.

Limbaugh Reaches, Trips, Faceplants Again

Conservative talk radio host Rush Limbaugh had this to say this week about the latest installment in the Batman movie franchise:

“Do you know the name of the villain in this movie? Bane. The villain in The Dark Knight Rises is named Bane, B-a-n-e. What is the name of the venture capital firm that Romney ran and around which there’s now this make-believe controversy? Bain. The movie has been in the works for a long time. The release date’s been known, summer 2012 for a long time. Do you think that it is accidental that the name of the really vicious fire breathing four eyed whatever it is villain in this movie is named Bain?
You may think it’s ridiculous, I’m just telling you this is the kind of stuff the Obama team is lining up. The kind of people who would draw this comparison are the kind of people that they are campaigning to. These are the kind of people that they are attempting to appeal to.”

Oh, no Rush, that's not ridiculous at all.  How could a character created for a graphic novel in 1993 not be an attempt to swing an election in 2012? Obviously, 1993 is well within the range of Obama's Magic Time Machine. You know, the one he used to plant those birth announcements in Hawaiian newspapers in 1961 to hide the fact that he was born in Kenya and thus not eligible for the presidency.

But it goes even further back! My 1934 edition of Webster's New Collegiate Dictionary defines the word "bane" thusly:

Ah, the conspiracy reaches back nearly 80 years! This pinko commie Webster fellow, whoever the hell he was, surely didn't come up with that definition by accident. Yes, this is the kind of stuff the Obama team is lining up.  Of course it's a collegiate dictionary, and we always knew we couldn't trust those liberal professors. Fucking socialists, thinking they can define words for everybody!

Wait! It gets better! The Online Etymology Dictionary has this to say regarding the word "bane."

Modern sense of "that which causes ruin or woe" is from 1570s.

So either Obama's Magic Time Machine is way more powerful than we thought, or he has hated America since before there was an America, or Rush Limbaugh stopped doing his homework when he graduated from high school in 1969.

Or maybe, just maybe, the people who named Bain Capital knew what they were naming it after. You don't think it was an accident, do you?

The truth? You decide! That is how truth works, after all. Pretty sure.

African-Americans Respond To Romney NAACP Speech

Mitt Romney spoke before the NAACP this week. I haven't actually read his speech, but by the reaction you see in the photo above, I'm guessing Romney was suggesting African-Americans borrow money from their parents and start businesses.

America Be Warned: The Shania Menace

This is the first draft of a mass e-mail I would like to send out if I ever figure out how to do that, or if I get tired of mostly not being an obnoxious idiot. Note: any misspellings, oddly placed quote marks or randomly capitalized words should be seen as stylistic elements, not fuckups.

AMERICA: BE WARNED

The Menace of Canadism is coming TO A CITY NEAR YOU!

Yes, it's true.

Not satisfied with knocking down our skyscrapers OR blowing up marketplaces, Teh Evil Canadists will not rest until they have implemented the final stage of their devious plans to TAKE OVER AMERICA.  And you know what? THEY'RE NOT EVEN TRYING TO HIDE IT ANYMORE.

They announced it on multiple websites recently, as if it was the most normal thing in the world.

SHANIA TWAIN IS COMING TO AMERICA. THIS YEAR!

The plan, they say, is to begin by implementing Shania Twain in that most American of cities, Las Vegas, by the end of 2012. It will proceed then, no doubt, from city to city and state to state until ALL OF AMERICA HAS FALLEN UNDER THE BARBARIC RULE OF THIS INSIDIOUS FORM OF CANADIC FUNDAMENTALISM.

Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one in America who understands what Shania Twain is!

But that's why I'm RAISING THE ALARM.

With this cup, Shania will drink the
blood of Christians. Unless
you act now!

And, of course, the America-hating LEFTIST LIBRULS in "Hollywood" are falling all over themselves to hand our country over to this menace. 

THEY HAVE GIVEN AWARDS TO SHANIA.

YOU CAN DOWNLOAD SHANIA TWAIN FROM iTUNES. Anyone can do this! Our children are being exposed to this evil influence! CHILDREN! Children, Mandrake!

Parents, check your home computers. SHANIA TWAIN MIGHT BE ON THERE RIGHT NOW!

WHY IS THE MAINSTREAM MEDIA IGNORING THIS?

THIS IS THE WORST THREAT AMERICA HAS FACED SINCE THE "YELLOW TIDE" SWEPT IN AND FORCED HAIKU DOWN OUR THROATS BACK IN THE 1960's. And we know how that ended, don't we? It was the end of free verse as we knew it.  NEVER AGAIN.

They hate our free verse. They hate our country. THEY HATE OUR COUNTRY-WESTERN. The Canadists want to remake it in their own image. BUT WE WILL STAND UP AND FIGHT. And that's the Good News. The Resistance is under way!

LAWS ARE ALREADY BEING DRAFTED IN KANSAS AND OKLAHOMA. These Good Christian Americans understand the threat of Shania and are saying no. WE WILL NOT ALLOW SHANIA in our courtrooms, our homes, our schools, our iPods.  NOT NOW, NOT EVER.

It's like President Batman Bush said: we will rid the world of these evil-doers.

BUT I NEED YOUR HELP TO FIGHT THIS DARK MENACE.

Please. $10 or $20, that helps. BUT ONLY SO MUCH. SO MUCH MORE IS REQUIRED. $500 OR $1000 WOULD MAKE A DIFFERENCE. YOU CAN DO THIS! Please send whatever I think you can afford, and send it now. THE BATTLE IS ON FOR AMERICA'S SOUL.

IT'S UP TO YOU. STOP SHANIA NOW!

Romney Unveils Economic Plan: America To Borrow Money From Its Parents

WASHINGTON--Presumptive Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney unveiled his economic plan for America today, saying that if he is elected in November, the country would begin on the road back to fiscal strength and financial independence by borrowing money from its parents and starting a business.

"This is an option more young nations should look at," said the former Massachusetts governor, giving the commencement address to a group of recently graduated third-world countries.   "Find a way to get an education, borrow money from your parents, start a business."

"That's my plan for America."

"We'll do our laundry at Mexico's house."

 Romney was vague on what sort of business America should start, as well as which European nation is actually America's father. (America's mother, England, could not be reached for comment.) But he made it clear where the country's priorities should lie.

"The business of America is business," opined the former CEO of Bain Capital, a business known for purchasing American businesses and putting them out of business. "The government needs to be run like a corporation, for the profit of all Americans. Also, I like the idea of being able to fire the electorate, if necessary."

"Of course, in order to properly present itself to the world and avoid offending its potential customer base, America will need a haircut," Romney continued. "Whether it wants one or not. So there may be a difficult period still ahead, a period in which our nation will be pinned to the ground by 'bullies' and have sharp scissors waved in its face. But, I promise you, this period will be short-lived and in a few years, I will have forgotten all about it."

"To those around the world who doubt our ability to rebound from our recent difficulties, to those other countries who question the viability of our plan, I would say this: we'll bet you ten trillion dollars that it works."

"A rising tide lifts all boats," Romney went on to say. "The new American economy will have room for everyone, be they young or old, black or white, male or female. Everyone will be included. No one will be left behind.  Although some may have to be strapped to the top of the car."

Romney also indicated that America can keep its expenses relatively low by continuing to live in Canada's basement, as it has for much of its history.

So I'm Reading This Book

Well, I'm trying to read it, anyway.

This is a book called Teddy Bare, written by someone called Zad Rust and published in 1971 by some outfit called Western Islands. It purports to tell the true story of Ted Kennedy's accident at Chappaquiddick in 1969 in which 28-year old Mary Jo Kopechne tragically died.

I bought this book for next to nothing at a used bookstore sometime in the 1990's.  If I recall correctly, I got about as far as this bit in the "prologue" before tossing the book aside:

The man for whose benefit so much legal and illegal manipulation has been practised is, as was each of his two brothers, one of the prominent operators chosen by the Hidden Forces that are hurling the countries of Western Civilization toward the Animal Farm world willed by Lenin and his successors.

Ah. Hidden Forces. Western Civilization. Those of you with any familiarity with the Internet writings and commentary of today's conservative wingnuts may recognize a common stylistic flourish here: the tendency to Randomly Capitalize words, and the tendency to capitalize words to emphasize their Extreme Importance. Or maybe to indicate Iconic Status. I don't know. What will be interesting will be finding out if Mr. Rust will be able to resist the temptation TO GO ALL CAPS ON MY ASS.

Oh, fuck. Here it is, 25 pages in:

HE WAS NOT IN THE OLDSMOBILE SEDAN WHEN IT PLUNGED UPTURNED INTO NINE FEET OF WATER, WHATEVER THE EXACT TIME OF THE ACCIDENT, and that MARY JO KOPECHNE WENT ALONE TO THE BOTTOM OF POUCHA POND.

So we've got Random Caps, ALL CAPS, Hidden Forces imperiling Western Civilization, and a Democrat in the White House (referring to JFK here) who was Secretly Working to Bring America Down. And it's only 1971, for chrissakes.

They Also Ran Good: Jimmy Carter

This is the seventh installment of my series on losing presidential candidates over the last 60 years of American history. As always, I reserve the right to make shit up, as long as it’s either too ridiculous to believe or comes with the get-out-of-jail-free card known as [citation needed]. Most of this made-up shit will involve the captions below the pictures. But really, there are real facts presented here.

James Earl (Jimmy) Carter, Jr. was the 39th president of the United States, elected in 1976 in a tight contest with Gerald R. Ford. The 1976 election was the first presidential election following the 1974 resignation of Richard M. Nixon over the Watergate scandals, and Ford was the man who succeeded and pardoned Nixon of all crimes.  Carter rose from utter obscurity as that election year dawned to win the nation’s highest office.
Jimmy Carter promised to be a different sort of president, one that would never lie to the American people, and would not get caught up in the ceremonial pomp and circumstance surrounding the office. The book he wrote before beginning his quest for the White House, asked a simple question: Why Not The Best?

The sequel, Here’s Why Not, Duh, made no one’s best-seller list. OK, technically, it was never written, at least not by Carter and not with that title.


Carter As President
Malaise
Carter swept into office with a promise of a government “as good as the American people,” and absolutely delivered on that promise. The problem, of course, was that the American people sucked, a fact which Carter noted in his famous “malaise” speech on July 15, 1979:

“In a nation that was proud of hard work, strong families, close-knit communities, and our faith in God, too many of us now tend to worship self-indulgence and consumption. Human identity is no longer defined by what one does, but by what one owns. But we’ve discovered that owning things and consuming things does not satisfy our longing for meaning...”

“Under my authority as President, I hereby place the blame on you, the American people.”

Conservative Politics In History, Part 1

Romney Extends Lead, Babbles More Crap

Former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney, with sweeping victories in three more states on Tuesday, has solidified his lead in delegates to the Republican convention and appears to have the nomination all but locked up at this point.
Wisconsin, Maryland, and the District of Columbia all gave Romney sizable margins of victory this week, adding a projected 86 delegates to his total, while former senator Rick Santorum picked up a mere nine and appears to be fading out of contention. Newt Gingrich, who has failed to garner a single delegate since March 13, has also lost his campaign's top financeer and now seems relevant only to himself.  Texas congressman Ron Paul, meanwhile...is still Ron Paul.
Romney, with the nomination looking secure, began to make a more overt appeal to the Tea Party Republicans with a pair of batshit stupid statements this week. This included the obligatory mangling of the Constitution, which, as many of us know, protects citizens against state-sanctioned religious persecution through  an amendment that bars the government from establishing a state religion.
Of course, in Romney's mind, enforcement of an amendment barring the government from abridging the individual right to worship as one chooses is actually an attack on religion. He also seems to think it's something new in America, despite having been written into the Constitution  over 200 years ago. His quote:

"I think there is in this country a war on religion. I think there is a desire to establish a religion in America known as secularism.
They gave it a lot of thought and they decided to say that in this country that a church — in this case, the Catholic Church — would be required to violate its principles and its conscience and be required to provide contraceptives, sterilization and morning after pills to the employees of the church. … We are now all Catholics. Those of us who are people of faith recognize this is — an attack on one religion is an attack on all religion."

"Look, I found some more Constitution written on
these Golden Plates!"

I suppose he could be excused for confusing the Catholic Church with the health insurance industry; after all, both institutions are led by elderly male virgins in robes, except for the health insurance industry.  And both are useless bloodsucking parasites, except for neither of them. So his confusion is quite understandable; that is, unless you remind yourself that this is a Harvard-educated former governor with a law degree who is a leading candidate for President of the United States.
Note that Romney defines "secularism" as a new religion, and proceeds to attack it, which by his own reasoning is an attack on all religion, which he finds inexcusable and evil.  I guess consistency is for pancake batter when it comes to Republican politics.
While his statement makes little sense when you think about it for roughly four seconds or more, it makes at least as much sense as a guy with two degrees from Harvard criticizing a guy with one degree from Harvard for "spending too much time at Harvard," as Romney also did recently. Yes, Romney, who spent four years at Harvard and still relies on a number of Harvard-educated advisors, criticized Barack Obama for the three years he spent at that university.
Such is the state of Republican political discourse.
Here is the current count of projected delegates for the four candidates:

Source: realclearpolitics.com

Limbaugh Apologizes For The Spreading Piss Puddle At His Feet

Right-wing talk show host Rush Limbaugh, for those of you who don't already know, has been widely quoted in recent days making remarks about Sandra Fluke, a Georgetown University student who testified before congress on the need for insurance companies to cover contraception. His rather inflammatory statements have caused at least one of his sponsors (Citrix) to end their business relationship with his show, and others are reportedly considering doing likewise.
Limbaugh issued an apology for those statements today.
And that's what this post was going to be about. But evidently my computer skills aren't all they're cracked up to be, because while doing some copy and paste work with his quotes, gosh darn it, wouldn't you know it, I got his statements from the past few days all mixed up together, and now I can't tell which is which.
So I'll just make the best of the situation. Here, in random order, are bits of Limbaugh's recent statements:

In this instance, I chose the wrong words in my analogy of the situation. I did not mean a personal attack on Ms. Fluke. She wants to be paid to have sex. It makes her a slut, right? It makes her a prostitute. In my monologue, I posited that it is not our business whatsoever to know what is going on in anyone’s bedroom nor do I think it is a topic that should reach a Presidential level. So, Ms. Fluke and the rest of you feminazis, here’s the deal. If we are going to pay for your contraceptives, and thus pay for you to have sex, we want something for it, and I’ll tell you what it is. We want you to post the videos online so we can all watch.  

What happened to personal responsibility and accountability? Where do we draw the line? The johns, that’s right. I sincerely apologize to Ms. Fluke for the insulting word choices. She is having so much sex, it’s amazing she can still walk. I created a national stir. 

 I think it is absolutely absurd that during these very serious political times, we are discussing personal sexual recreational activities before members of Congress. What does that make us? We’re the pimps.

Apologies for mixing up the quotes. But, with Limbaugh being the model of consistency that he is, I'm sure it will all make sense.

Republicans: Romney On Top, Santorum Hanging In There

With the candidates for the 2012 Republican presidential nomination preparing for the 10-state Republicalooza known as "Super Tuesday," it appears that former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney is beginning to put some distance between himself and the other three remaining contenders.

With wins in Arizona, Michigan and Wyoming, Romney is on pace for a first-ballot nomination with over half of the delegates unofficially selected so far. Former Pennsylvania senator Rick Santorum is still running second in the race, though he may have stumbled a bit in the last month with his principled, yet possibly unpopular stands against education and sex.

Meanwhile, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, mired in third place and struggling to remain relevant, repeatedly decried the use of negative advertising in very strong terms in a run-up to the unveiling of his new campaign slogan, "Romney Is A Chucklehead." 

And Texas Rep. Ron Paul...ah, whatever.

"Ha ha ha. Seriously, when you say 'how many wives should
a man have,' do you mean consecutively or concurrently?"

With 437 delegates up for grabs on Tuesday, it is likely the picture will get somewhat clearer, although no "knockout blow" is expected; most predictions are giving Romney the most delegates of any candidate but not an overwhelming number. Polls in roughly half of the states show a race too close to call, and the rest likely will be divided among the top three. Romney is well ahead in his home state of Massachusetts, Gingrich has the lead in his home state of Georgia, and Santorum is currently leading in Ohio, Tennessee and Oklahoma. But none of the states use the "winner take all" format, meaning all delegates will be chosen according to various rules of proportionality.

On April 3, a total of 100 delegates will be chosen in winner-take-all primaries in Wisconsin, Maryland and the District of Columbia. And, while the nomination may well be locked up by this time, on June 5 California will choose 172 delegates and New Jersey will chose 50 in winner-take-all primaries.

All four candidates currently trail President Obama in national polls by at least four percent.

Below the fold is the updated delegate count chart.

Santorum Solidifies, Energizes Republican Base

With victories in Minnesota and Colorado, former Pennsylvania senator Rick Santorum has emerged as a bona-fide contender and further muddled the race for the 2012 Republican presidential nomination.
There. Now that I've gotten my obligatory Santorum double-entendres out of the way, let's get down to business: as promised, an appropriate campaign button for the former senator, the guy that I felt so sure wouldn't be a factor past the first ten minutes that I didn't even bother to include him when I designed the first batch of buttons.
Rick's button, complete with catchy slogan, can be seen above.
And so much for my crystal ball, by the way. Turns out, I was clueless; the Republicans are down to their Final Four, and it's about nothing like any Final Four I predicted. Really, my "bracket" became a mess right off the bat when Rick Perry drove his Jesus Bus Full Of Cornpone over the wall on the first lap. I never thought Newt Gingrich, he of the three wives and citation for ethical violations while Speaker of the House, would survive the first cut. And it never occurred to me for an instant that Rick Santorum, the most odiously theocratic candidate I've seen in over four decades of these contests, would be taken seriously after the first primary.

Hey, Funboys, Get a Room

With one day to go before the all-important New Hampshire primary, Mitt Romney (left) has reason to laugh and point at Newt Gingrich's stupid face; the most recent polls show Romney capturing 40.2% of the vote, nearly doubling the second place showing of Ron Paul at 20.8%. Gingrich, probably burping up some noxious gas here rather than laughing, is fifth at 8.6%, trailing not only Romney and Paul but also Rick Santorum (10.6%) and even Jon Huntsman (9.4).          Source: realclearpolitics.com
What Romney is probably smart enough to realize, though, and worry about, is that the New Hampshire primary is rarely about winning, or gaining delegates; it's about expectations and whether you exceed them or fail to meet them. In 1968, Eugene McCarthy's strong showing against a sitting President, Lyndon Johnson, helped push Johnson into retirement. In 1972, George McGovern's close second place finish legitimized his campaign and propelled him toward the nomination; the immortal Ed Muskie's disappointing showing, and legendary crying jag on TV, doomed his chances. Jimmy Carter used a surpise victory to launch a campaign that ended in the White House, and four years later Ronald Reagan resurrected his chances with a win after a bad showing in the Iowa caucus. And in 1992, Bill Clinton resurrected his faltering campaign with a decent second-place finish; after this, he dubbed himself "the Comeback Kid" and proceeded toward the presidency. Of course, he had actually led in the polls a month before, and wound up losing, so "Comeback Kid" was only technically accurate, but that's why we loved Bill Clinton, right? He told us how things were, we knew it was bullshit, and we voted for him anyway.
Yes, it's all about expectations; and what you can expect is a mad attempt to spin the results by each camp to make it seem like things are going as planned.

"We wanted to leave room for the campaign to grow."

So Romney, basically, has set himself up to win what the media will call the "presumptive nominee" tag with a margin on the order of what the polls show, but if he fails to win by at least 12-15%, and Paul or anyone else can make a close show out of it, the media will start to use words like "faltering" for Romney and "surging" for anyone who exceeds expectations.
More great Santorum headlines are a virtual certainty; another failure to make headway could result in calls for him to pull out.
And someone, likely Rick Perry (1%) and possibly even Gingrich, will be officially "hapless." As in "written off."  As in "loser."

History note: Today, January 9, 2012, is Richard M. Nixon's 99th birthday. Or, rather, it would be if we still had him to kick around. We don't, at least not in corporeal form, but we do need to make sure that his name remains properly sullied. He was, despite his famous protestations to the contrary, a crook. Not to mention a liar, a racist, a bully, and a Generally Wrong Person. What baseball scouts call a five-tool player.

Happy birthday, Dick. Oh, and fuck you. You're still a pile of shit, and history will not vindicate you.

Romney Beats Off Santorum Challenge

"I wanked 'em all!"

Well, obviously I'm going to play this little headline game, too.
According to the results I've seen at this point of Tuesday's Iowa caucus, former governor Mitt Romney has edged his way past former senator Rick Santorum to win by a handful of votes in some terribly archaic and arcane process that means nothing in terms of delegate power for next summer's Republican National Convention. It is, however, something that the media can scrutinize as it awaits next week's New Hampshire primary.
There isn't much of a lesson to take away from Santorum's showing in Iowa, other than the fact that this state, which has given strong showings and surprise victories to people like Pat Robertson and Pat Buchanan, has a penchant for supporting some truly unpleasant people in their quadrennial square dance. It might mean more scrutiny and focus on the former senator from Pennsylvania, and I'm guessing his ego and vanity and general cluelessness will cause him to believe that the Iowa results have somehow vindicated him, and he will be encouraged to put his full unpleasantness on display when he's under the spotlight.
Romney comes out clean, meanwhile, having avoided the two things he couldn't do: 1)come out of it looking like a loser, and 2)saying or doing anything noteworthy in any way.

Meanwhile, Michele Bachmann is reportedly calling it quits, having learned that even in the unlikely event of her winning the presidency she wouldn't be appointing senators, and Rick Perry is re-assessing.
I must confess I am surprised; I never saw Santorum coming, and I really wish I hadn't just written that. But Santorum seemed so unlikely to leave a mark on this election (no no stop) and so much more likely to slide into oblivion (dammit) that I didn't even deem him worth a campaign button.
I'll see about rectifying that...oh, I did it again...