How To Draw Jesus

I'm sure you've seen by now the unauthorized restoration job performed on a priceless Jesus fresco by an 81-year old Spanish woman, who after becoming distressed at the deterioration of the 19th century painting applied her own brushwork in an attempt to fix it. I found this to be both funny and sad; funny, obviously, because the resulting image is inherently hilarious, and sad because not only did she mostly ruin a valuable old work of art, there's something about laughing at the ineptitude of old people that I find distasteful.

That is, until I saw in the news recently that the woman is currently suing the church to get a cut of the increased donations to that church that resulted. Really, I was worried that she'd feel bad that she did such damage to her place of worship. She needn't worry about that, as her restoration has increased traffic to the church and brought in a fair amount of money for the institution.

But then to sue? Hell, if she needs the money that bad, there are other ways. Perhaps she or some enterprising patron could commission a set of unfinished copies of some classic paintings, and she could then set about finishing them in her inimitable style. Sell them, charge people to view them, sell prints and maybe even produce a nice coffee table book that we all can enjoy. Who wouldn't enjoy her takes on the great paintings in history?

And someone should really get her working on Gilbert Stuart's great masterpiece depicting first American president George Washington; as it stands, it is unfinished.

I would be proud to hang any of these on my wall.

The 6 Articles Cracked.com Keeps Running Over And Over Again

If there's one thing we know about comedy and the Internet, it's that everyone in the world has a distinct preference for receiving their jokes in list form. Everybody loves lists! It couldn't possibly be laziness or lack of creativity, or any number of other indefensible reasons. And even if it is--hey! Another list to laugh at!

Cracked.com, which grew out of what was considered the poor, or possibly homeless, man's version of Mad magazine, is one of the more popular list-based comedy websites, garnering hundreds of thousands of hits every day.

Lately, though, I've come to suspect those good folks at Cracked.com are recycling the same six articles week after week after week. And since I'm feeling lazy and uncreative today, I'll just make a list of them. Yeah, fuck work. Here's a list!

#6--7 Martial Arts Techniques That Will Cause You To Kick Yourself In The Face
Blah blah blah dickjoke.  Blah blah Teddy Roosevelt blah blah. Blah blah blah Tesla, Edison, blah. Blah blah blah, you dumbass. Blah!

Caption too fucking small to read.

#5--8 Adorable Animals That Will Eat Your Face
Who's a pointless little list of cute animals? You are! Yes, you are!

Look at his nose! Look at his nose!

#4--6 Horrifying Insects That Want To Live In Your Face
As everyone knows, the world wants you dead. Dead, dead, dead! What you don't know is that insects can kill you. Dead! So, be careful or something.

The call is coming from inside your face! Get out of there!

#3--7 Comic Book Super Powers You Can Do With Your Face
You still read comic books? Jesus Harrypotter Christ. Grow up already! Unless, of course, you have a face. In which case you can do super stuff, just like your favorite comic book heroes! [citation needed]

Caution: mask may cause face to tan unevenly if worn in daylight.

#2--8 Badass Badasses That Are Secretly Badass And Could Badassedly Break Your Face
You think you're tough? Really? Nah, you're not. The world is full of wusses that could really mess you up. I mean, really fuck up your shit. Like, you know, big time. Like, you know...

You talkin' to me?

#1--7 Movies You Probably Saw That Are Sort Of Retarded...Your Face
Do you watch movies? Yeah, me too. And don't they suck? Yeah, they suck. Especially the ones with Kevin Bacon, which would be all of them. CGI? That just makes them suck digitally. 3D? Merely increases the number of dimensions in which they suck. Which would be all of them. Suck, suck, suck. Blah blah blah dickjoke.

Six degrees of suckitation. Also, dickjoke.

America Be Warned: The Shania Menace

This is the first draft of a mass e-mail I would like to send out if I ever figure out how to do that, or if I get tired of mostly not being an obnoxious idiot. Note: any misspellings, oddly placed quote marks or randomly capitalized words should be seen as stylistic elements, not fuckups.

AMERICA: BE WARNED

The Menace of Canadism is coming TO A CITY NEAR YOU!

Yes, it's true.

Not satisfied with knocking down our skyscrapers OR blowing up marketplaces, Teh Evil Canadists will not rest until they have implemented the final stage of their devious plans to TAKE OVER AMERICA.  And you know what? THEY'RE NOT EVEN TRYING TO HIDE IT ANYMORE.

They announced it on multiple websites recently, as if it was the most normal thing in the world.

SHANIA TWAIN IS COMING TO AMERICA. THIS YEAR!

The plan, they say, is to begin by implementing Shania Twain in that most American of cities, Las Vegas, by the end of 2012. It will proceed then, no doubt, from city to city and state to state until ALL OF AMERICA HAS FALLEN UNDER THE BARBARIC RULE OF THIS INSIDIOUS FORM OF CANADIC FUNDAMENTALISM.

Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one in America who understands what Shania Twain is!

But that's why I'm RAISING THE ALARM.

With this cup, Shania will drink the
blood of Christians. Unless
you act now!

And, of course, the America-hating LEFTIST LIBRULS in "Hollywood" are falling all over themselves to hand our country over to this menace. 

THEY HAVE GIVEN AWARDS TO SHANIA.

YOU CAN DOWNLOAD SHANIA TWAIN FROM iTUNES. Anyone can do this! Our children are being exposed to this evil influence! CHILDREN! Children, Mandrake!

Parents, check your home computers. SHANIA TWAIN MIGHT BE ON THERE RIGHT NOW!

WHY IS THE MAINSTREAM MEDIA IGNORING THIS?

THIS IS THE WORST THREAT AMERICA HAS FACED SINCE THE "YELLOW TIDE" SWEPT IN AND FORCED HAIKU DOWN OUR THROATS BACK IN THE 1960's. And we know how that ended, don't we? It was the end of free verse as we knew it.  NEVER AGAIN.

They hate our free verse. They hate our country. THEY HATE OUR COUNTRY-WESTERN. The Canadists want to remake it in their own image. BUT WE WILL STAND UP AND FIGHT. And that's the Good News. The Resistance is under way!

LAWS ARE ALREADY BEING DRAFTED IN KANSAS AND OKLAHOMA. These Good Christian Americans understand the threat of Shania and are saying no. WE WILL NOT ALLOW SHANIA in our courtrooms, our homes, our schools, our iPods.  NOT NOW, NOT EVER.

It's like President Batman Bush said: we will rid the world of these evil-doers.

BUT I NEED YOUR HELP TO FIGHT THIS DARK MENACE.

Please. $10 or $20, that helps. BUT ONLY SO MUCH. SO MUCH MORE IS REQUIRED. $500 OR $1000 WOULD MAKE A DIFFERENCE. YOU CAN DO THIS! Please send whatever I think you can afford, and send it now. THE BATTLE IS ON FOR AMERICA'S SOUL.

IT'S UP TO YOU. STOP SHANIA NOW!

So Long, Ernie

Ernest Borgnine, Oscar winning actor, has died at the age of 95.
Despite that Oscar, and a career that spanned six decades, the ABC story linked above chose to mention McHale's Navy in its headline; that was a dumb TV show in a dumb TV era of dumb TV shows noted for their dumbness, and yet that's the epitaph some are choosing here.
News flash: the man won a fucking Academy Award for Best Actor for the film Marty in 1955. More recently, he was heard as the voice of Mermaidman in Spongebob Squarepants. In between? His IMDb page is roughly as long as my arm.
He became a favorite of mine when he was chewed up by Willard Stiles' unholy army of rats in 1971's Willard. And a dozen years later, my then rock 'n roll band featured him on a couple of our promotional posters, for no good reason other than he was just flat-out cool.

I believe the artist here is Drew Friedman.  I think. I dunno, we pretty much cut stuff out of magazines, pasted them to cardboard, wrote shit like "awesome oatmeal solos" around the margins and made posters to staple up around town. We were promotional geniuses, of course.

Anyway, so long, Ernie, and fuck McHales's Navy. You were better than that.

It's A Minefield Out There These Days

Q: My girlfriend recently admitted to me that the only reason she's with me and not some other dude is because I drive the hottest car in school. I always knew she really liked my car, but I'm wondering: should I be insulted, or worried? Does this mean she doesn't really care about me? Is she just shallow, or what?   --Hot Rod, Indianapolis IN

A: No, no, not at all. Your girlfriend understands that the choices a man makes reflect what he is really all about. The car he drives, the clothes he wears, the way he combs his dick--these are all statements about what he considers important. Kudos to your girl for getting it!



Q: In the past, i have enjoyed going to certain conventions and conferences around the country. While I do occasionally enjoy the speakers at these gatherings, what I really enjoy is being in the middle of a big crowd where I can wander around and hit on every modestly attractive woman in attendance. Now I hear many of these conferences are adopting anti-harassment policies. I am being shamed for my scattergun approach to relations with women.
The question is, have I been out of line all these years?  --Fisher of Women, Austin TX

A:  Absolutely not. These policies are being put forward by "feminazis," with help from a bunch of pencil-necked PC jockeys who are terrified that women will think badly of them. I mean, who cares if a few women get tired of being approached constantly for sex by guys they don't know? Who cares if they're all there for some completely unrelated purpose? This is about you, after all.  Hell, how are you supposed to catch any fish if you can't cast your line out?
Your best solution, to continue with the fish analogy, is simply to quit inefficiently casting one piece of bait at a time out into that ocean, and approach the whole mating game as an actual fish would. In other words, at your next convention, just walk around the crowd jacking off on everything. Leave a big cloud of sperm floating around; it's bound to fertilize something.



Q: I like tits!
--Titmouse, Titsville USA

A: Jeez, is this how you approach women? You have so much to learn.
For instance, have you ever tried actually talking to a woman, ask her questions, talk about how she feels about stuff, get her to open up? There are many approaches that accomplish this. For example, rather than just expressing your approval of her tits, try asking her how long she's had them. This lets her know that you are interested in her life story.
Also, try to find out what sort of interests she has. Ask her about hobbies. For example, does she play tennis? And if so, do her tits get in the way?
Bottom line: you can't just talk about her tits. Get her to talk about her tits. Then she will know without a doubt that you, rather than being just another horny guy, are actually deeper and more caring. You have to show her that you respect her tits.



Q: So I saw this chick I liked in a video online and went to hear her speak at a conference. Afterward, I hung out near her in a bar for a few hours, just watching her without attempting to speak to her or introduce myself. Then, after she announced she was tired and was going to bed, I followed her out of the bar and into an elevator. Finally alone with her, I told her how much I admired her and asked her to my room for some coffee. That's totally not stalking, right?  --E. Guy, Dublin

A: That was you?
Seriously, don't worry about it. There's no reason a woman should get nervous about such behavior. After all, stalking is just another word for "romantic comedy." And if you can't give voice to your obsessions, what fun are they?
Although, given that she said she wanted to sleep, offering coffee was probably a bad idea. Much better, and more appropriate, would have been to approach her while still in the bar and offer to put downers in her beer. This would have relaxed the whole situation immensely, and really allowed you to work your special "magic."



 Q: I once playfully pretended to bite a woman I knew in the leg, and she thought it was funny. That means feminism is bullshit, amirite?  --T. Foot, Somewhere In Time

A: Many feminists make unscientific claims about what sort of behavior is threatening and contributes to a misogynistic culture. It's good to see someone finally approach the topic with the proper skepticism and study it under carefully controlled conditions, such as in a bar. It's all about the evidence, after all.
And now that you have empirical evidence that women enjoy being bitten in the leg, don't let anybody tell you otherwise. Least of all those woman who claim not to like being bitten in the leg. They are, after all, just the exception that proves the rule.  And you do rule, dude!
Seriously, I'm envious. I never would have thought of that approach. The best way I've come up with to set myself apart from all the other guys is to wear sunglasses at night. Occasionally, I might wear a motorcycle helmet backwards as well. Or, if I'm feeling particularly brave, wear my underwear on the outside. That way, women know I'm a rebel.
I never would have thought of biting them, though. And no, I can't possibly see any way consent could ever be an issue; it's certainly never been an issue with me. You agree, right?



Q: How many pick-up artists does it take to change a light bulb?
--P. Cock, Negging Meadows NY


A:  Just one. But there have to be a lot of light bulbs available if he is to have any success.

Look! A Cat! On The Internet!

Well-known fact: cats rule the Internet.

So, in the interests of increasing my traffic here, it's become obvious that I need more cat pictures. Unfortunately, I do not have a cat of my own at this time. But I have had cats in the past, and I did take pictures. And just because this cat lived in that dark pre-Internet age doesn't mean he doesn't deserve his rightful share of Internet fame.

This is N'Gawa, a Siamese cat that I got for Christmas when I was in high school. He lived his entire life in the 1970's. No, he's not playing the piano, he doesn't look like Hitler, and he will never talk in that mangled grammar rife with adorable misspellings known as LOLspeak. But he was a great cat.

Always feisty and playful, on one occasion he climbed up the back of the big, upholstered chair I was sitting in and clawed the fuck out of my ear. Man, that hurt.

But he could be sweet, too.

He had this adorable habit of climbing into the little cat bed we bought for him and spending several minutes patting it down with his paws, all the while purring loudly and contentedly. Then, still purring, he would straighten up, turn around in the bed once or twice, and claw the fuck out of my ear.

I miss you, N'Gawa.

Pseudonymous Internet Commenter Overthrows Modern Physics, Revolutionizes Science

The worldwide scientific community is reeling today from the revelation that all of its carefully amassed, experimentally verified conclusions regarding the laws of physics have been overturned by one brilliant internet commenter.
In one fell swoop, a commenter at the blog Pharyngula known as erodinbladewin shocked the world by proving the existence of precognition, telekinesis, and other paranormal abilities, demonstrating them conclusively to unnamed colleagues and reporting this to other commenters at the blog.
The actual evidence and documentation of the successful demonstrations will be forthcoming for review by the rest of the world as soon as the other commenters at Pharyngula start treating erodinbladewin with respect.
"This changes everything," said one well-known physicist, who wished to remain anonymous due to scientists'  inability to admit when they're wrong. "I can't believe I've been so stupid and close-minded. This erodinbladewin has completely torn down the scientific paradigm. And to think, I laughed at him at the university. We all did. But who's laughing now?"
It is not yet known where erodinbladewin hails from, or what his real name might be; also unknown is who he demonstrated his gifts to. What is known is that he caused one of these witnesses to nearly crap his pants and throw up.
"Well, that is the Gold Standard of scientific evidence, after all," said the physicist. "Any time some guy submits comments to a blog claiming someone somewhere has witnessed his use of paranormal abilities, you have to accept it. To do anything less would be retarded."
Among the remarkable powers erodinbladewin has demonstrated to his friends is the ability to cause a roll of paper towels to flap without using his hands.
Also needing a new theoretical model is the study of electromagnetic fields and the behavior of light, as it turns out the sky appears blue due to reflections off the surface of bodies of water and not due to the scattering effect of the atmosphere, as previously thought. History books will need to be re-written as well, with the surprising revelation that everyone in the world thought the earth was shaped like a cube until Ponce de Leon circumnavigated it.
And, in possibly the most shocking discovery of all, it turns out that squirrels are more intelligent than human beings.
"Definitely a game-changer," said Stephen Hawking, perhaps the most respected physicist and cosmologist alive until the emergence of erodinbladewin.  "We'll need to re-think everything we thought we knew. Fortunately, the Cambridge University campus where I work is lousy with squirrels. It's just a matter of all of us putting our little heads together."

Warning: Science Joke Ahead

Yes, it's that rare and counter-intuitive phenomenon: a joke about quantum mechanics. The sort of thing that has had scientists saying "it's probably funny" for nearly a century.

Watching Another Old TV Show On Netflix

Yes, I know I'm late to the dance on this one, with Lost having completed its run in 2010 or so. But I just noticed it available for streaming on Netflix, so what the hell? Might as well find out what all the hullabaloo was about.
I'm through the first season now, and the GIF image above is my impression of that. I haven't really decided what I think of this yet; I can't shake the feeling that all the clues and signs aren't going to add up to anything in the end, and that really they're just jerking me around. And if I'm not careful, they're going to do it for another five seasons. It's somewhat reminiscent of my experience re-watching Twin Peaks twenty years later, and knowing that all the clues about owls and shit are just there to screw with my head. One difference, of course, is there aren't any dwarfs in Lost, at least not so far. And really, what's the point without dwarfs?

The Real Reason Clippy Had To Die

I'm hoping that some nice use of Gaussian Blur will render this post at least somewhat safe for work.
This little comic bit was inspired by this story from Northern Ireland, in which a Catholic priest attempted to fire up a Powerpoint presentation for a small gathering of parents (and at least one child), only to be confronted with what has been termed "indecent images of men." The priest, "somewhat flustered," evidently fled the room for roughly 20 minutes before returning and apologizing; he claimed to have no knowledge of the offending images, and that somehow the memory card must have gotten switched.  Oops! Wrong slide show!
Okay--his claim of a complete lack of knowledge might be somewhat suspicious (as is the convenient 20-minute absence), but here's the real mystery, and the most pertinent question of all: did somebody really compile their porn stash into a Powerpoint presentation? I mean, why would you do that? I understand the need for organization of the images, but...Powerpoint?
I have to regard Powerpoint as sort of a 90's computer phenomenon, not really useful for any sort of modern computer presentation. Certainly not for organizing porn, for crying out loud.
And it brings to mind an even weirder image, which I will of course share with you.

You're welcome.

Twilight: The Rejected Manuscripts

By now, practically everyone has had at least some exposure to the Twilight phenomenon.  Between the best-selling books, the lucrative series of movies, and the hordes of shrieking 13-year-old girls, it can be hard to avoid such a powerful piece of pop culture.
What most people don't know, because of course I'm making it all up, is that author Stephenie Meyer had many false starts and endured quite a few rejections from publishers before finally settling on the sparkly vampire motif. Here, for your entertainment, are a few of the ideas that didn't cut it.

Draft #1

Bella Swan doesn't expect much when she moves to the small town of Forks, Washington, to live with her father and go to high school there. At least not until she meets the tall, handsome and mysterious Edward Cullen, who really isn't like any of the other boys. Although powerfully drawn to him, she begins to suspect he's not quite what he seems when the tuxedo he rents for the prom doesn't fit over the bolts in his neck.  As their worlds and hearts collide, Edward must battle the rage he feels over his slipshod construction in the laboratory of a mad scientist and resist the powerful urge to drown Bella in a lily pond.

Proof Of Ceiling Cat

I will spare you the LOLspeak, which I'm not fluent in, and anyway you can get all you want here.
I do find this image interesting, though, and not just because I made it myself on my other computer, but also because the detail is so much richer than the Face On Mars. Absolutely convincing. It certainly advances the notion that the beings we normally think of as ceiling cats were, in fact, ancient cat astronauts from an advanced cat civilization. I will expound further on this theory in my upcoming book, Litter Box Of The Gods?
It also proves the moon landing was faked, by the way; there is absolutely no way that anything resembling the Lunar Excursion Module could come floating down so close to a cat without getting swatted halfway across the solar system.

Another Stupid Doll Comes To The Big Screen

"We can take cover under that leaf over there."

While watching the Super Bowl on Sunday (Good 21, Evil 17) one of the few commercial breaks that didn't get the mute button (mostly due to inattention) was the trailer for the movie G.I. Joe 2 starring Bruce Willis.
Now the last time I was in a toy store, ol' Joe appeared to be roughly three inches tall, and hardly Bruce Willis-like by any stretch of the imagination. And I wondered: why doesn't my guy Ken get any love from Hollywood?  No, he's never had the Kung Fu grip, but neither has he shrunk to the point where an entire brigade can charge forward straight into the mouth of any medium-sized dog and be instantly swallowed whole.
And hey, he's only 51. He's actually younger than Bruce Willis, and thus closer to his physical prime and capable of serious combat.
I won't be holding my breath.
Here, just for fun and because I haven't posted for a week, is something I put together last year for Cracked to celebrate Ken's milestone 50th birthday.

You Are Required To Fill Out All Fields Marked *Required

Barbie's Facebook Page

With all the talk online regarding dolls, girls, and the color pink recently, I thought this would be a good time to repost this, orignally posted at Cracked.com to celebrate Barbie's 50th birthday in 2009. And yes, the right-hand side has been deliberately cut off; I turned necessity (just not enough room provided for a whole Facebook page) into comedy with the ancient yet still effective gag of leaving the reader to imagine the end of key sentences. And since it was written for Cracked, it's pretty much one long dick joke at Ken's expense.

Owner Of A Clueless Heart

Q: I was at a bar with some friends the other night, just partying a little, when I saw across the room a gorgeous young woman sitting alone at a table. I wanted nothing more than to go talk to her and ask her to dance, but I was so nervous I was practically shaking. Just too scared.
So I had a friend go over and ask for me. When she looked up, I grinned and waved at her. What I want to know is: is this a good technique for picking up women? I'm asking because it didn't work.
--Bill W., Chicago

A: If what you're aiming for is to let your friend pick up women, then yes, it is a good technique. For you to meet women, not so good.
You obviously need to work on your courage and self-esteem. As we all know, this comes from a bottle. Hey, you're already in a bar, why not have a few drinks to get loosened up? You, being extra nervous, might need to drink more than the normal amount. A lot more. This might cause its own problems, though--motor skills and judgment may be impaired. But it might be your only chance. Your best bet is to get completely soused, stumble over to her, and try to play the "I'm so drunk I can't help but be blunt and honest" card. The idea is you are so out of it, you are absolutely compelled to tell her how attractive you find her. It probably won't work either, but at least you'll be drunk when it fails. And if you're drunk enough, you won't care. If you're drunker than that, try not to throw up on anyone you know.

Q: The company I work for has recently hired a new receptionist. She is absolutely perfect--in looks, in style, intelligence--really, she has it all. I think she might be THE ONE. But she's always so busy at work, surrounded by people, and even after hours, it seems like she's always with someone, and I never really get a chance to talk to her alone. How can I get to know her? How do I slyly, without fanfare, let her know how I feel?
--Steve L., Detroit

A: At some point in her day, on some day of the week, I can guarantee she will be alone. You need to find out when, and be there to take advantage of the opportunity.
Obviously, you need to know her schedule better--know it inside out, if possible. This is why stalking was invented.
I would start out with something innocuous--either follow her home after work, or, if possible, get her address through your company. Go to her house late some night, make sure she's inside, and then, when you're positive there's no danger of being caught, look in her mailbox. Then, run away.
Do this a few times, until you've built up the courage to try the next step--walk past her on the street without saying anything. Try to do this at least 2-3 times a week, but no more--you don't want to make her suspicious. After a few weeks, walk by her again--only this time, do it with a stupid new haircut. This will let her know that your whole world has changed because of her.
That should get the ball rolling, so to speak.

Q: I had this big date last week with a woman that I've wanted to go out with for weeks. It couldn't have gone better--great dinner, good movie, and back to her place for sex.
Now, I'd always heard that fondue was a great aphrodisiac, so I indulged quite heartily earlier in the day, wanting to be fully charged when the action started. Everything was going great, until we got undressed and I discovered that I still had some cheese on my dick. It pretty much ruined the moment entirely, and I don't think it will happen again. What I want to know is: is there anything to that fondue idea, or is it just an urban legend?
--Mike D., San Antonio

A: I have no idea. And what's more, I don't want to have any idea. It's up to you, really. Maybe you should try it again--I mean, what's the worst that could happen? Well, I suppose you could burn the shit out of yourself. But, you know, no pain, no gain. Or something. So just keep trying, dude.

Q: I had something happen to me recently that I swear, was straight out of Letters To Penthouse.
I was riding home from work on a crowded bus, where most of us had to stand and hold on to the overhead railing. It was rush hour, and everyone was in transit. They had us packed into that bus like sardines, so much so that you couldn't avoid lots of bodily contact.
At one point, even more people got on the bus, and the resulting crush pushed me up against this beautiful woman. Right up against her, so close it was almost better than a lap dance. We gazed into each other's eyes for a long moment, and then she said in a sultry voice, "this is my stop. Want to get off?" She rang the bell.
Well, needless to say, we went straight to her apartment and got physical immediately, with no preliminaries. We practically ripped each other's clothes off, so eager were we to get things started. Then, with no warning, the mood changed abruptly. Turned out, to my horror, that I still had some cheese on my dick from an experiment the week before. My question is, how do women generally feel about that sort of thing? Is it always a deal-breaker?
--Joe P., Milwaukee


A: It's hard to say--every woman is different. But what I need to know is--did she know it was cheese? Maybe she mistook it for something really disgusting. Did you tell her what it was? An even better idea might be, from now on, to warn your pickups ahead of time that you might have cheese. To be really sure, you might even have the information printed on a T-shirt, a medic alert bracelet, or even a tattoo. It's always best to be up front about your condition.

Q: I have an active sex life, and because I don't want kids and don't want to risk disease, I use condoms. I have bought some from the local drugstore, but the old woman who is always working there always looks askance at me when I ask for them. She treats me like a criminal, and tries to embarrass me in front of other customers. So what I'm wondering, is there somewhere else where I could possibly buy a large number of condoms?
Hal B., Wilsonville

A: Yes.  Try a condominium. Most towns have at least one.

Q: How do I know if a woman is attracted to me?
Jack T., Miami

A: She's not.

Q:  No, really. Sometimes women give me mixed signals--they're interested, they're not interested, they say no but act like I should try again. Really, it's almost like that old song, "Your Lips Say No But The Cheese On My Dick Is Really Causing Some Discomfort." So tell me--I desperately need to know now--is there any one thing, any single sign to look for that would tell me if a woman might be interested in me?
Jack T., Miami

A: Probably. Now stop bloody stalking me.

Answer To Yesterday's Word Search Puzzle

The subject, of course, was "things that go through your mind when you're doing a word search puzzle."

Ah, Those Children's Classics

It appears that the anti-vaccination crowd has branched out into a new medium to get their message across; the horrible dangers of disease-preventing vaccines, and the joys of "embracing childhood diseases," will now be communicated early and effectively to children with the publication of Melanie's Marvellous Measles, a groundbreaking new  book sure to become a classic piece of literature for the young.
Because diseases are natural, and nature is good and perfect, and Big Pharma or whoever don't want you to know that, and vaccines cause autism and communism and bagism and ismism and whatnot, it has become necessary to counter the lies and subvert the dominant paradigm as early in our children's lives as possible. Only through books such as this can we immunize  defend our children against the daily deluge of propaganda from the Medical Community. Hey, it's all about keeping them safe, right?  Safe from...doctors and stuff.
Shown here is an apparently real ad for an apparently real book for children, with Melanie taking off on the wonderful adventure known as the measles. 
This is an adventure that I have been on myself, having had the measles sometime, as near as I can figure, in 1963 or 1964. The memories are somewhat vague, but I'm pretty sure it didn't involve running through fields of pretty flowers while waving my arms around. Perhaps this book would have been useful then; maybe I just didn't take the right approach. Although I do think I could make a good argument that I embraced my childhood disease, if by "embracing childhood disease" you mean "picking at the little red pustules covering my body."
This might not be the best subject for humor, what with measles being a potentially crippling and even fatal disease, but I just can't help myself.
Without further ado, here are some other potential new children's classics, re-done with an eye toward singing the sweet joys of childhood illness.

Godwin Mit Uns

From Wikipedia:

Godwin's law (also known as Godwin's Rule of Nazi Analogies or Godwin's Law of Nazi Analogies) is a humorous observation made by Mike Godwin in 1990 that has become an Internet adage. It states: "As an online discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving Nazis or Hitler approaches 1."

 And when the Nazi card does get played, as it is played early and often against atheists, "evolutionists" and "Darwinists," my reaction is usually something like: This needs music. If you are going to parade the Nazis in front of me, let's give them something to dance to.

For a damn fine takedown of the idea, often claimed by religious yo-yos of all stripes, that Hitler and his Nazi buddies were atheists or "Darwinists" or supported the concept of common descent, go here.
I did have one tiny disagreement with the author, however; my understanding is that while Mein Kampf sold enough copies to make Hitler fairly wealthy, and was often given as a wedding or graduation present, no one actually read the damn thing. Not even the most devout Nazis could get through that turgid pile of crap. Hell, I own a copy, and I've certainly never read it; not all the way through, anyway, or anything even close to it. I sometimes check citations I run across reading online, but I am not likely to hazard an actual reading of the thing. It really is quite unreadable, and for so many reasons.

Eleven Eleven Eleven Eleven Eleven Eleven

This is Eleven, a kitty cat who went pitty-pat from 1980-1993.
I still regard her as the greatest cat who ever lived, and this is her day.