By Richard M. Nixon
Alright, look—I’ve spent these last 17 years trying to get a little rest here, what with having worked so hard to get ahead my entire life, to the point of exhaustion. Not to mention dealing with all those vultures that hounded me out of office, to mix a metaphor. And no, I’m not bitter any more; safely buried, I was for a long time safe from the slings and arrows of the media. They didn’t have Nixon to kick around any more.
But days go by, and now there’s all this shit going on that just keeps me rolling over in my goddamn grave.
Everybody’s talking about Egypt. You want to know about Egypt? Yeah, don’t ask me. They only treated me like a god the last time I was there. Remember? Went there for a while in ’74. Cruised around in a motorcade, watched a parade or two, had a great time except for the phlebitis. And all that impeachment crap going on at home. But the Egyptians just gave it up for me—lining the streets, clapping and cheering. They understood what Americans didn’t—what a real leader and statesman sometimes has to do for his country.
Everybody’s talking about Egypt. You want to know about Egypt? Yeah, don’t ask me. They only treated me like a god the last time I was there. Remember? Went there for a while in ’74. Cruised around in a motorcade, watched a parade or two, had a great time except for the phlebitis. And all that impeachment crap going on at home. But the Egyptians just gave it up for me—lining the streets, clapping and cheering. They understood what Americans didn’t—what a real leader and statesman sometimes has to do for his country.
Those people just need to understand when they’ve got it good, and tough it out. Hell, Mubarak was in power for 30 years and suddenly he’s not good enough anymore? They had stability. You lose that and the next thing you know, Idi Amin moves in and takes over. You want that? You want a goddamn cannibal in charge? “Excuse me, the President will eat you now.” Christ, he’d eat his own mother. You need stability.
So the Egyptians just need to shut up.
Workers in Wisconsin? They should just be glad they have jobs. And the people who don’t have jobs should just be glad to be Americans. And the people who aren’t Americans should just be glad to have jobs. And they should shut up, all of them.
And are you people still going on about Obama, his birth certificate, being a Muslim and so forth? Are you serious? You don’t have the goods on him yet? We would have had that crap nailed to the wall from day one. G. Gordon would have his thumbs for chrissakes. Hey, either shit or get off the pot.
In other words, shut up.
Everybody [expletive deleted].
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