Robertson Blames Temple Shooting On Jumbo Shrimp

Televangelist Pat Robertson wasted little time in identifying the true culprits behind Sunday's shooting at a Sikh temple in Oak Creek, Wisconsin that left six worshipers dead, pointing the finger of blame at "Satanic Atheists."

Although some may make the entirely verifiable claim that most violence against religious believers and destruction of places of worship is perpetrated by people of a different religion who worship a different god, Robertson has no doubt who is really to blame for this latest attack on believers.

"These non-believers simply hate God," said Robertson. "It's an open secret, and a bitter sweet truth, that this irregular pattern of deafening silence on the part of those who control this chaos is causing a forward retreat among those of us who see it as the most seriously inconceivable joke we can imagine."

(Here's the video. And before you ask, yes, that's a made-up quote.)

Stalking The Candidates

Did I say stalking? No, no...I meant following. You know, on Twitter.

Yes, I recently signed up to follow both Barack Obama and Mitt Romney on Twitter. Not surprisingly, the Obama account seems to be producing far more tweets than the Romney account.

Not that I'm under any delusion that either man is actually tweeting, mind you. I'm sure both of them employ others empowered to tweet under their good names. And I suspect Romney, being Romney, is just itching to fire a couple of his tweeters (twitterers? twits?) as the campaign moves along, just because we know he gets a kick out of that sort of thing.

Neither am I under any delusion that they will ever see any replies I make to their tweets. Both men are obviously busy, Obama with being president and Romney with trashing our allies overseas (more on that in a bit).

That won't stop me from replying, of course. I just can't shut up. The challenge, though, will be to fit those replies into the woefully inadequate 140-character limit. So what you likely will see will be stuff like this:

Not that I'm going to let Obama off easily; I'm sure I will feel the need to respond to him as well, especially when he barfs up oatmeal like he did here:

Yes, I know. Tilting at windmills, and all that.

If you want to track my pointless arguing at these two famous men who will never respond, I suggest you sign up to follow @feralboy12 on Twitter. I will also try to put up a feed here at this site, somewhere over in that column on the right-hand side of this page.

Meanwhile, Romney recently trekked to England, where they are opening the 2012 Olympic Games. He's making friends fast, especially with quotes like this about our erstwhile allies (from his book):

England [sic] is just a small island. Its roads and houses are small. With few exceptions, it doesn’t make things that people in the rest of the world want to buy. And if it hadn’t been separated from the continent by water, it almost certainly would have been lost to Hitler’s ambitions. Yet only two lifetimes ago, Britain ruled the largest and wealthiest empire in the history of humankind. Britain controlled a quarter of the earth’s land and a quarter of the earth’s population.

Ignorant prick.

So how did England rule that large, wealthy empire, spread out over a quarter of the earth's land?

They did so with the most powerful naval force the world had ever seen. Which also, I suspect, helped them keep control of that water that separated them from the continent and protected them from Hitler's ambitions.

Oh, and...Battle of Britain, jerk. The only way Germany was ever going to be able to invade the British Isles against a superior naval force was to gain control of the air with their vaunted Luftwaffe. They tried...they failed. After that, there was virtually no chance of an invasion of ground troops. The plans for that ("Operation Sea Lion") were shelved once England opened up that can of whoop-ass.

"We saved your ass in World War II, you silly
limey bastards! I saw a John Wayne movie on the telly!"

This left England able to host a build-up of troops, including a whole lot of our brave American fighting men, in a staging action that made D-Day possible.

The Brits won this battle at great cost in lives and material. Thanks, Mitt, for belittling their sacrifices.

The Luftwaffe was never the same after their failure in the Battle of Britain. And as rough as D-Day was, it would have been much worse, and quite possibly disastrous, had Germany still possessed a powerful air force to throw into the mix.

Criminy. Read a book, Mitt.

Limbaugh Reaches, Trips, Faceplants Again

Conservative talk radio host Rush Limbaugh had this to say this week about the latest installment in the Batman movie franchise:

“Do you know the name of the villain in this movie? Bane. The villain in The Dark Knight Rises is named Bane, B-a-n-e. What is the name of the venture capital firm that Romney ran and around which there’s now this make-believe controversy? Bain. The movie has been in the works for a long time. The release date’s been known, summer 2012 for a long time. Do you think that it is accidental that the name of the really vicious fire breathing four eyed whatever it is villain in this movie is named Bain?
You may think it’s ridiculous, I’m just telling you this is the kind of stuff the Obama team is lining up. The kind of people who would draw this comparison are the kind of people that they are campaigning to. These are the kind of people that they are attempting to appeal to.”

Oh, no Rush, that's not ridiculous at all.  How could a character created for a graphic novel in 1993 not be an attempt to swing an election in 2012? Obviously, 1993 is well within the range of Obama's Magic Time Machine. You know, the one he used to plant those birth announcements in Hawaiian newspapers in 1961 to hide the fact that he was born in Kenya and thus not eligible for the presidency.

But it goes even further back! My 1934 edition of Webster's New Collegiate Dictionary defines the word "bane" thusly:

Ah, the conspiracy reaches back nearly 80 years! This pinko commie Webster fellow, whoever the hell he was, surely didn't come up with that definition by accident. Yes, this is the kind of stuff the Obama team is lining up.  Of course it's a collegiate dictionary, and we always knew we couldn't trust those liberal professors. Fucking socialists, thinking they can define words for everybody!

Wait! It gets better! The Online Etymology Dictionary has this to say regarding the word "bane."

Modern sense of "that which causes ruin or woe" is from 1570s.

So either Obama's Magic Time Machine is way more powerful than we thought, or he has hated America since before there was an America, or Rush Limbaugh stopped doing his homework when he graduated from high school in 1969.

Or maybe, just maybe, the people who named Bain Capital knew what they were naming it after. You don't think it was an accident, do you?

The truth? You decide! That is how truth works, after all. Pretty sure.

More Bible Verses For Tim Tebow

For those of you unfamiliar with the world of sports and its occasional collision with the world of faith, Tim Tebow is a former Heisman winning quarterback from the University of Florida who now "rides the bench" for the Denver Broncos in the NFL. A devout Christian, Tim is known for having worn eyeblack tape (the dark tape under the eyes that theoretically keeps the glare down when he is out on the field) with references to Bible verses during his college years, as well as performing charity works in the offseason. These good works include helping circumcise infants in the Philippines, as if that really did anybody any particular good.

Unfortunately, in the NFL players are not allowed to wear or display extraneous messages no matter how virtuous. Also, in the NFL, players with Tim's limited abilities are generally not allowed to play.  Despite being drafted in the first round and being well-paid for that distinction, Tim is currently the Broncos' #3 quarterback.

In the interests of helping Tim spread his message despite the NFL's ban on such things, here is the former college star bearing what I believe to be a verse from the Bible that  is appropriate to his current situation.

Ex. 17:10-13

“10 So Joshua did as Moses told him, and fought with Amalek; and Moses, Aaron, and Hur went up to the top of the hill. 11 Whenever Moses held up his hand, Israel prevailed; and whenever he lowered his hand, Amalek prevailed. 12 But Moses’ hands grew weary; so they took a stone and put it under him, and he sat upon it, and Aaron and Hur held up his hands, one on one side, and the other on the other side; so his hands were steady until the going down of the sun. 13 And Joshua mowed down Amalek and his people with the edge of the sword.”

Tim’s intangibles, his leadership abilities and inspirational personality, have always been the main attraction, and the mere fact that he is not playing does not detract from that.  He still has an important role to play for his team. If he is not going to be out on the field, he could be trained and developed to be the guy who stands on the sideline holding up his hands like Moses and help his team prevail that way. And if he is not ready to take on that role right away, he could be one of the guys who stands on the sideline holding up the hands of the guy who holds up his hands.

I'm not sure this role really justifies a first-round pick, but it is certainly a way for Tim to contribute.

And, oddly enough, Tim's popularity in Denver is as high as ever; fans have been chanting for him to play despite the presence of a quarterback who's actually pretty good (Kyle Orton) and the presence of another former first-round disappointment (Brady Quinn) ahead of Tim on the depth chart.  Obviously the fans love this fine young man, of whom a college football broadcaster once gushed, "if you spend 15 minutes with this kid, your life will be the better for it."  Truer words have never been spoken, although the fact that Tim subscribes to a religion that teaches that people like me deserve to burn in hell for all eternity tends to make me want to spend those 15 minutes elsewhere.

Still, Tim Tebow is an amazing story, and I would like to take this opportunity to suggest that now is the time for Tim to tell that story. I believe the time has come for Tim to write his autobiography; surely fans across the nation would love to read all about how Tim got to where he is today, and where he is going from here. I would suggest as a model the autobiography written by the great Gale Sayers back in the 1970's, entitled I Am Third.  This title, of course, is a reference to Gale's religious beliefs, in which he himself places third in importance in his own life behind God and Family.

I would also suggest that Tim title his autobiography I Am Third String, reflecting the fact that he is not only behind God and Family in importance, but also Kyle Orton and Brady Quinn.  This would show the proper Christian perspective on life, the proper attitude,  that wonderfully humble belief that one talks directly to the creator of the universe on a daily basis.

Intelligent Design For Dumbasses

Intelligent Design is a pseudo-scientific alternative to the Theory of Evolution that offers God as an explanation for the complexity of life while sort of pretending not to.
Note: this was originally posted at Cracked.com as a topic page in 2009; in the commentary, I was called both "shitbag" and "brainwashed idiot."  I was accused of parroting what my college professors told me; I chose not to respond to that at the time, but I will do so here: my college professors were evidently too busy teaching me about classical music to talk much about evolution.  Darwin didn't come up much, although I must say I have grown to love him.
Especially his poems.

Finding Jack Chick In My Closet

Friends, providence has smiled on me this week.

While cleaning out my closet yesterday, I ran across a page torn from one of Jack Chick's old tracts, handed to me by a stranger on a college campus back in 1984. 

I would have dropped to my knees right there to pray if a closet was in any way appropriate for prayer. I don't have to look it up to know Jesus would never sanction such a thing! Anyway, as I said, I was overjoyed.  Why?  Because he was warning us about gay marriage, all the way back in 1984!

10 Irrefutable Objections To Evolution

1. If humans evolved from monkeys, and monkeys evolved from other monkeys, why is there stuff that isn't monkeys?

2. If evolution was real, there would be crocoducks. And catdogs.  Have you ever seen those?  Have you ever seen a horse fly? Or a barn dance? I once shot an elephant in my pajamas.  How he got in my pajamas, science cannot explain.

Creation Science Fair: Suggested Projects

.The Twin Cities Creation Science Assocation recently held their annual Home School Science Fair in Roseville, Minnesota.  This is a great idea, and I would like to help out our budding young creation scientists with a few ideas for projects for next year's fair.

More Bible-Based Theme Parks? Yes!

Now that the "Ark Park," the in-the-planning-stages theme park based on Noah's Ark, is on sound financial footing (the state of Kentucky having plans to invest taxpayer money), it's time to consider other possible theme parks based on the Bible.

Jesus Had Me Put To Sleep

This guy...this is the guy.


I swear, this is the analogy (or is it a metaphor?) that I've been looking for ever since Jesus brought me home from the pound. I exist only to serve him, fetch his sandals, and, on occaision, beg for my food.

He never hits me in the nose with a rolled-up newspaper anymore, and hardly ever uses the choke collar. But I must be broken, because he says he's taking me to the vet to get fixed. Still, he is my master and...what's that? You want me to go for a ride?

Why God Caused The Earthquake In Chile

As we know, earthquakes and other natural disasters are caused by God. He causes these tragedies, which wreak havoc and kill many people, when He is offended by the actions of the remote ancestors of those people he kills. There are many incidents of this type in the Bible; His power, wisdom, and absolute goodness enables Him to punish children for the sins of their parents and balance the scales of justice even centuries after those who angered Him are dead.

More Bible Verses For Tim Tebow

Deut. 23:1:

“He whose testicles are crushed or whose male member is cut off shall not enter the assembly of the LORD.”

This is a verse whose meaning has been much discussed among Theologians. There have also been many widely circulated misconceptions, but the most widely accepted modern interpretation of the original Scripture is this: Tim is allowed to play football, but he has to wear a cup.