Republican Celebrities Set To Debate Furniture, Appliances

After a successful national convention, the Republican party is gearing up to begin the campaign for the White House, Senate and House of Representatives in earnest and plans to leave no stone unturned.

Taking a page from that convention, and one of its most memorable moments, the Republican National Committee announced today that it has lined up a series of debates seeking to emulate Clint Eastwood's impressive performance against an empty chair last Thursday night. The 82-year old actor had no trouble trouncing the piece of furniture on every point that came up, creating one of the great storylines of the convention and giving the Republicans some new ideas as they go forward.

An impressive lineup of Republican celebrities will be debating various articles of furniture, several types of kitchen appliances, and other well-known objects.

"Eastwood's performance was so impressive, it's shown us that we have a great untapped resource in today's Republican party," said National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus. "We have a powerful contingent of aging white celebrity men who are especially gifted at debating inanimate objects--they know how to prepare, how to do their homework, and especially how to think on their feet much better than any appliance or furniture that the Democrats can trot out. We plan to use this resource."

While details of the debate schedule are still being worked out, a few Republican celebrities have already signed up to participate.

"We already have Eastwood, and he's agreed to debate an entire dinette set," said Priebus. "This will be more of a challenge than what he faced at the convention, but that's what we want to do--line up appropriately tough opponents for all our celebrities. In the interests of having lively debates and really raising the level of political discourse in this country, we want to put our people up against the toughest opposition we can find."

"For example, talk-show host Rush Limbaugh will be matched against an open refrigerator. Full of food. And while we feel this will not be easy, we feel confident that Rush will eat that refrigerator's lunch. Another event will feature Hank Williams, Jr., discussing Constitutional law with a partially deflated football. You know he'll be ready for that."

The toughest challenge will likely be faced by actor and martial arts expert Chuck Norris, who will square off against a blender. "That will be a real challenge for him," said Priebus, "especially when you remember that the blender can perform four functions (blend, liquefy, puree and whip) against Chuck Norris' three (eat, sleep, kick people in the head). But you know Mr. Norris will not back down from a challenge."

Other matchups will include Megadeth guitarist Dave Mustaine pitting his brain against a bag of wet firecrackers, 1970's guitar hero Ted Nugent doing battle with a fencepost, and child actor Kurt Cameron debating some toast. Also being featured is comedienne Victoria Jackson, who will attempt to avoid walking into a wall for 45 minutes.

"We want to showcase our best thinkers," said Priebus. "We want to challenge them, but we are confident of victory. These people are truly exceptional, and will represent today's Republican party in a way that will make us all proud."

Below: Clint Eastwood takes on the chair.

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