It's A Minefield Out There These Days
Q: My girlfriend recently admitted to me that the only reason she's with me and not some other dude is because I drive the hottest car in school. I always knew she really liked my car, but I'm wondering: should I be insulted, or worried? Does this mean she doesn't really care about me? Is she just shallow, or what? --Hot Rod, Indianapolis IN
A: No, no, not at all. Your girlfriend understands that the choices a man makes reflect what he is really all about. The car he drives, the clothes he wears, the way he combs his dick--these are all statements about what he considers important. Kudos to your girl for getting it!
Q: In the past, i have enjoyed going to certain conventions and conferences around the country. While I do occasionally enjoy the speakers at these gatherings, what I really enjoy is being in the middle of a big crowd where I can wander around and hit on every modestly attractive woman in attendance. Now I hear many of these conferences are adopting anti-harassment policies. I am being shamed for my scattergun approach to relations with women.
The question is, have I been out of line all these years? --Fisher of Women, Austin TX
A: Absolutely not. These policies are being put forward by "feminazis," with help from a bunch of pencil-necked PC jockeys who are terrified that women will think badly of them. I mean, who cares if a few women get tired of being approached constantly for sex by guys they don't know? Who cares if they're all there for some completely unrelated purpose? This is about you, after all. Hell, how are you supposed to catch any fish if you can't cast your line out?
Your best solution, to continue with the fish analogy, is simply to quit inefficiently casting one piece of bait at a time out into that ocean, and approach the whole mating game as an actual fish would. In other words, at your next convention, just walk around the crowd jacking off on everything. Leave a big cloud of sperm floating around; it's bound to fertilize something.
Q: I like tits!
--Titmouse, Titsville USA
A: Jeez, is this how you approach women? You have so much to learn.
For instance, have you ever tried actually talking to a woman, ask her questions, talk about how she feels about stuff, get her to open up? There are many approaches that accomplish this. For example, rather than just expressing your approval of her tits, try asking her how long she's had them. This lets her know that you are interested in her life story.
Also, try to find out what sort of interests she has. Ask her about hobbies. For example, does she play tennis? And if so, do her tits get in the way?
Bottom line: you can't just talk about her tits. Get her to talk about her tits. Then she will know without a doubt that you, rather than being just another horny guy, are actually deeper and more caring. You have to show her that you respect her tits.
Q: So I saw this chick I liked in a video online and went to hear her speak at a conference. Afterward, I hung out near her in a bar for a few hours, just watching her without attempting to speak to her or introduce myself. Then, after she announced she was tired and was going to bed, I followed her out of the bar and into an elevator. Finally alone with her, I told her how much I admired her and asked her to my room for some coffee. That's totally not stalking, right? --E. Guy, Dublin
A: That was you?
Seriously, don't worry about it. There's no reason a woman should get nervous about such behavior. After all, stalking is just another word for "romantic comedy." And if you can't give voice to your obsessions, what fun are they?
Although, given that she said she wanted to sleep, offering coffee was probably a bad idea. Much better, and more appropriate, would have been to approach her while still in the bar and offer to put downers in her beer. This would have relaxed the whole situation immensely, and really allowed you to work your special "magic."
Q: I once playfully pretended to bite a woman I knew in the leg, and she thought it was funny. That means feminism is bullshit, amirite? --T. Foot, Somewhere In Time
A: Many feminists make unscientific claims about what sort of behavior is threatening and contributes to a misogynistic culture. It's good to see someone finally approach the topic with the proper skepticism and study it under carefully controlled conditions, such as in a bar. It's all about the evidence, after all.
And now that you have empirical evidence that women enjoy being bitten in the leg, don't let anybody tell you otherwise. Least of all those woman who claim not to like being bitten in the leg. They are, after all, just the exception that proves the rule. And you do rule, dude!
Seriously, I'm envious. I never would have thought of that approach. The best way I've come up with to set myself apart from all the other guys is to wear sunglasses at night. Occasionally, I might wear a motorcycle helmet backwards as well. Or, if I'm feeling particularly brave, wear my underwear on the outside. That way, women know I'm a rebel.
I never would have thought of biting them, though. And no, I can't possibly see any way consent could ever be an issue; it's certainly never been an issue with me. You agree, right?
Q: How many pick-up artists does it take to change a light bulb?
--P. Cock, Negging Meadows NY
A: Just one. But there have to be a lot of light bulbs available if he is to have any success.