Brees Thanks Zeus For Win, Sacrifices Goat

New Orleans Saints quarterback Drew Brees, shown here in his off-season identity of Bacchus, God of Wine, made sure to take the time to thank The Man Upstairs for all the success he has had since joining the Saints four years ago.

“Without my father, Zeus, this never would have been possible,” said the Super Bowl MVP, beaming and dressed head-to-foot in gold lame. “If He hadn’t sewn my fetus to his thigh when he showed Himself unwreathed to Semele, I would have perished in the blaze.”

Brees, who completed 32 of 39 passes for 288 yards and two touchdowns in the Saints’ 31-17 win over the Colts, also thanked Zeus for an earlier victory over the Titans.

“Without his lightning bolts, I never could have driven them away. As it was, they ate everything but his heart, which he then fed to Semele to impregnate her.”

Brees also gave a shout-out to the Nymphs of Nysa , and thanked Persephone for raising him in the Underworld away from Hera.

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