“Like I said, I really am sorry deep down, but deep down I am shallow,” Woods confided. “So when I get up and reveal my innermost thoughts and feelings, that only underscores my superficiality, and causes a lot of people to question my sincerity. I really mean what I say, I just can’t mean it very much. Unfortunately, my profound inability to relate to other human beings sometimes causes difficulty in communicating.”
Woods, who is trying to repair the damage done to his public image by his Thanksgiving night car accident and recent reports of many mistresses, blamed a sense of entitlement for his transgressions.
“See, I really believed that my ability to play a game really well meant that I was entitled to enjoy all the good things in life to excess. How deep is that? It’s pretty pathetic. And when I say ‘good things,’ I mean, you know, white women. Which is another really screwed-up way to look at life. Jeez, what’s with me, anyway? I must be about as deep as an ashtray.”
“So you can see, it’s no wonder that when I try to express deeper feelings of regret for my actions my voice comes out sounding like Captain Kirk’s computer. That’s the real me.”
While taking responsibility for his current difficulties, Woods continued to deny that wife Elin tried to brain him with a golf club on that fateful Thanksgiving night.
“No, she was just suggesting which club I should use to help myself up once I regained consciousness,” Woods insisted. “She’s helpful like that. And to make sure it was strong enough, she tested it on the car windows.”
Woods has yet to announce when he will return to the links. Hecklers are expected when he does.
"So, you think a nine-iron to open this jar of pickles?"