In another transparent cry for attention that surprised no one, Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Ocho Cinco announced today that he is changing his name once again.
The player formerly known as Chad Johnson, who changed his name to the Spanish words for "eight five" last year, has decided to honor Cincinnati’s German heritage by calling himself "Funf Und Achzig." The new moniker means "eighty-five" in the German language.
"I mean, we have all these German settlers who came here, who brought the German culture with them," said the histrionic diva, "and the Margie Schott museum with all the Nazi memorabilia. It seemed fitting to go with the German version, as long as I’m stuck in this hellhole, anyway. And I didn’t mangle the syntax so retardedly this time."
Bengals officials quickly announced they would support the move, and "Funf Und Achzig" would be the name printed on the back of the player’s jersey. "Unless there’s an umlaut," said one official. "We don’t do umlauts here, although we’re still doing our research. And when we say ‘research,’ we of course mean ‘Google.’"
When contacted later in the day, coach Marvin Lewis shook his head sadly and declined to comment.