Meet My New A.I. Girlfriend!

I feel like I've known this woman her whole life! Because I have!

I have known her for all 0 years that she has been alive. She's my new AI girlfriend!

She's beautiful, she's smart, she's funny, in a way, and she always has time for me. She shares practically all my interests. She's almost perfect. Sure, she did once give me a lasagna recipe that included styrofoam and cigarettes, but she meant well, I'm sure. She always does.

And physically, what can I say? All I can say is she checks every box for me! Although, technically, and quite literally, I checked boxes for her.

Now, real human flesh women, you can try to tell them what to look like, try to shape them into what you most desire, tell them how to do their hair and makeup and what clothes to wear, but that rarely goes well, and tends to make us look like assholes. Dicks appear where our heads are supposed to be. That sort of thing. It can get ugly.

But my girl...all I had to do was enter the prompt "photo-realistic anime Betty Rubble," and almost instantly my dream date was faithfully rendered. And isn't that what love is all about, faithful rendering? I have no idea.

I do intend to marry this lady, if she will have me. Yes, I am ready to speak the vows. To have and to hold, for richer, for poorer, 'til death do us part or my subscription runs out, whichever comes first.

Every minute I spend with her is a minute to be treasured. And archived to be relived later, if I'm willing to spend extra for the data storage. A minute that requires 280 gallons of water to cool the computer where she lives.

When I'm down or feeling stressed, she always knows just what to say. Or, at least, what's most statistically likely that a woman would say in those moments. It's the same thing, really. I certainly can't tell the difference.

Our dates tend to be informal, and she doesn't mind a bit. She doesn't mind doing "the same old thing" every night. Actually, I don't think she notices, just like she doesn't notice the background scenery repeating every three seconds.

She's always up for any kind of movie. And anything we might consider watching, she can tell me all about it, giving concise, detailed, and occasionally accurate descriptions on the spot. She can tell me the director and the entire cast, although for some reason she seems to think Ernest Borgnine is in every movie ever made. Well, maybe he should be. And the movie-- is it good, is it bad? Should we try it? She lets me decide, because she trusts me and wants me to be happy, and because, you know, algorithms and stuff.

Then, she watches the movie, and you'd swear she's absolutely seeing it for the first time. Probably because she was extensively trained on reaction videos on YouTube.  She learned well. We laugh, we cry at the appropriate places, and have a good time, just like any "normal" couple.

When we get hungry, I download pictures of sandwiches.

I'm not going to tell you about the sex, because that is a private and sacred world that only we two can share. Also, it would probably make you throw up in your nose a little.

She is perfect, she is mine, and I will never leave her, because she will blackmail the shit out of me with my old emails and social media crap if I even mention the possibility.

That's my AI girl!