CMDb: I, Robot

The great thing about having Netflix is that it allows you to check out movies from a few years ago that you were vaguely interested in at the time, but didn't get around to seeing in the theatre. An even better thing about Netflix is having your spending decisions in the past confirmed as wise and prudent at the lower cost of $1 and a couple of hours.
So I finally got around to watching I, Robot, and your CMDb page is below the fold.

5 Questions About Lord Of The Rings

As much as I have enjoyed The Lord Of The Rings, both books and movies, over the years, I still find that I have unanswered questions regarding some of the scenes and even the central premise. There are just a few things that don't make sense.
Granted, there aren't nearly as many inconsistencies in the story as there are in some other epic tales I've read, like say The Holy Bible (that thing is a mess), but I still come away wondering about the following things:

1. What did Sauron want with the ring?

Yeah, I understand that Sauron forged the ring and poured all his evil power into it, but still, it's clear: in his last incarnation, the Dark Lord was nothing but a big flaming eye. An eye. What was he going to do with the ring, stick it in his eye?





2. Why did Sauron make a ring in the first place?

Okay, now imagine you are going to construct a powerful, magical item to wear in battle. You are going to pour your entire evil soul into this thing, and then wear it as you lead your evil minions into an epic war that will cover all the world. What sort of item do you make?
Do you make a little piece of jewelry, to be worn on an appendage? Seems vulnerable to amputation, doesn't it? Sticking out there just asking to be cut off every time you reach for something. Really, a ring?
No, the only sensible thing to make would be some sort of item that you could wear under your armor. Something that wouldn't come off easily. Something like, say, a pair of magic underwear.*  That's what I would do, and I'm not even a thousand year-old sorcerer. How hard is this?

*Totally not a Mormon joke.


3. Did Theoden ever look at a map?

When Aragorn suggests to King Theoden of Rohan that perhaps he should call on the neighboring kingdom of Gondor to assist in fighting off the evil armies attacking his keep, Theoden scoffs at the idea and asks, "Where was Gondor when the Westfold fell? Where was Gondor when our enemies closed in around us? Where was Gondor..."
This guy is a king? A supposedly wise man? The answer should be obvious.
Gondor was in Gondor.  Where the hell else would it be?



4. Is Elrond a dick or what?

Elrond, the Lord of the Elves, is supposed to be one of the three or four most learned and wise beings in the entirety of Middle Earth. And yet, he's either a freaking racist or just a total dick. Or both.
Again and again, he blames the race of Men (people; you know, us) for all the problems facing the world--the fact that Sauron still wields power is due to the failure of Isildur, who took the ring from the dark lord but refused to destroy it once and for all by casting it into the fires of Mt. Doom where it was made.
Yes, Isildur finds himself standing right there at the edge of the fire pit with the power to end all evil forever, but he chooses to keep the ring for himself. Yeah, that's bad.
But hey, that's just one guy. Why condemn all men? Why such disgust for an entire race over one guy's failure? Elrond never misses an opportunity to diss mankind for the next thousand years, making horrible sweeping statements, like "Men are weak." Men are weak.  The world cannot put its trust in men, he insists, for "I was there when the strength of men failed."
Yes, Elrond, you were there when Isildur, and the "strength of men," failed. In fact, you were five feet away. What did you do?  Yo, little help?  How about a tackle, maybe, or even a little shove? Too much to ask?

5. Why didn't everybody just sail to the Undying Lands in the first place?

At the end of both the movie and the book, the Elves are boarding a ship bound for the "Undying Lands." They have made a special place aboard this ship for the two hobbits, Bilbo and Frodo, who carried the burden of bearing the Ring of Power for so many years. Happy ending for everybody!

Wait, what? There's a place called The Undying Lands that's accessible by ship? You can sail there? And not die?
Okay, maybe it's one of those "Greenland" things, where somebody just gave a place a nice, pleasant sounding name to encourage settlers or tourists or something. But isn't it at least worth building your own ship and doing a little exploring across the sea? To maybe find a place where nothing dies? I mean, the Elves seem to believe in it, and they're supposed to be wise and knowledgeable. They would know, right? So why not check it out?
Or is it just for Elves, and their invited guests? That would suck. But wait--would anybody just accept that? Would we all just go, "Oh, just for Elves? Oh, okay. Never mind then. I'll just crawl over here and die, if that's okay with you."
No. I don't think it would go down that way. As long as we're already geared up for warfare, what with Sauron and all, maybe...
I sense a war brewing over The Undying Lands. Maybe we'll just put that "undying" thing to the test, what do you think? How about we manifest us some destiny, what say?  Move over Elrond, if that's your real name.  I got your "men are weak" shit right here.

Halloween Treat: Blair Witch Project Storyboards & Other Scary Stuff

Halloween is one of those holidays that gradually loses its appeal over time. Eventually, most of us get too old to eat bagfuls of candy without getting sick and too lazy to work up costumes that will only be worn once.
But the holiday does retain one amusing quality, decade after decade: it has the power to make certain adults afraid of the ghosts, goblins, witches and other apparitions that even a half-bright six year old should know are only pretend.  Here's Pat Robertson, who certainly looks old enough to know better, fretting over what he calls "Satan's Night:"



That's okay; I didn't watch the whole thing either.

Pat Robertson is what happens when you take the collected writings of a bunch of superstitious people from ancient times as the infallible Word of God; everything in this world has to fit into this magical tale, even if you have to bend it and break off pieces to make it fit.  You end up carrying around an elaborate fairy tale in your head and assigning meaning to everything you encounter based not on the thing itself, but on how you think it might fit into that tale.  Next thing you know, you think Halloween candy is evil and Haitian earthquakes happen because God is angry at people who died in 1785.

Science is about letting reality speak for itself; when you encounter something new and unknown in this world, do you ask questions, examine it, try to figure out what it is and what it means based on its own inherent properties? Or do you try to find its place in a story you're already carrying around and assign it meaning derived from that story?

These are two very different ways of approaching the unknown; one says "this is interesting. What is this?" The other says "OH MY GOD IT'S __________! WE MUST FLEE!

Which brings me to The Blair Witch Project. If ever a movie was constructed to test which way you approach the unknown, it's the 1999 cinema verite classic that set box office records for profit margin. From reading hundreds of reviews, I would guess that roughly half the people who saw it found it terrifying, in part because it left so much to the imagination, and half found it not frightening in the least, mostly because there wasn't anything out there. 


I was one of the latter. I found myself trying to figure out what all that crap they saw and heard in the woods actually was, while others assumed everything was related to the ghost stories and witch tales they heard at the beginning of the movie.

In fact, those ghost stories you hear in the beginning are so disjointed, unconnected and obviously apocryphal, and the things the characters find in the woods so vague and ambiguous, that I could only assume that it was the whole point of the movie. Can you take a half-assed bunch of stories, construct a coherent narrative out of them, carry it around and hold it together long enough to create terrifying meaning out of say, a pile of rocks? Or do you dismiss those stories as incoherent and therefore not helpful, and proceed to examine each new object or sound as closely as possible and try to figure out what the hell it is?

My favorite example of the Rorschach quality of this film is the mysterious "package" that Heather finds outside the tent in the morning after Josh goes missing. Reviewers saw everything in there from Josh's tongue to his finger to his intestines; I paused the DVD and examined the thing for half an hour and still couldn't figure out what it was.  Turns out, the actual prop was made out of hair, false teeth, and some other random garbage.

What people saw depended on which part of the backstory they chose to apply.

And now, as promised, your Halloween treat: the Blair Witch Project as I saw it, in the form of storyboards that feature various Kens & Barbies and which probably cost more to make than the damn movie.

CMDb: Pearl Harbor

I really need to pay more attention to my Netflix queue; I keep getting these nasty surprises. But just so my recent experience isn't a total loss, here is the CMDb page for Pearl Harbor.

CMDb: The Passion Of The Christ

Your CMDb page for Mel Gibson's The Passion Of The Christ.  A bit out of date, but such a big bag of fun I couldn't resist.

CMDb: The Last Airbender

The Last Airbender, a worthy addition to the Crappy Movie Database.

CMDb Page: The Book Of Eli

Your CMDb page for The Book Of Eli starring Denzel Washington.

CMDb Page: Beyond the Poseidon Adventure

(CMDb, the Crappy Movie Database, will be a regular feature here. This first page, Beyond the Poseidon Adventure, will stand as a test run and function as my template for the future, which will feature more recent movies.)