Romney Pledges "Return To Normaldom"

With most national polls continuing to show President Obama leading Republican nominee Mitt Romney in the race for the White House, and having extended his lead since the national conventions ended, the Romney campaign has begun to focus on statements designed to make the candidate seem more "presidential."

In a recent speech to a group of supporters in Fairfax, Virginia, Romney pledged that under his administration America would see a "return to normaldom," a phrase eerily reminiscent of Warren G. Harding's "return to normalcy" statement in 1920 that established a president's power to make up new words.

Other phrases also echoed the statements of past American presidents.

"Ask not what your country can do for you," said Romney to a cheering throng of roughly 3000 people, "but rather ask your parents to loan you money to start a business. Times are tough, but remember: the only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and maybe being strapped to the roof of a car for a long road trip."

"I cannot tell a lie. I sold that cherry tree,
along with the rest of the farm's assets."

Romney paused to soak in the applause, then added: "Our long national nightmare is coffee."

The candidate also sought to defuse criticism of his business practices while CEO of Bain Capital, as well as defending the seemingly low tax bill he has paid on his considerable income. "My fellow real Americans, let me make one thing perfectly clear: under the current financial sector regulations and tax laws, I am not a crook."

Romney concluded by displaying a small plaque that he promises will adorn his desk in the Oval Office should he be elected, a plaque which reads: "The buck stops here." The plaque currently resides in Romney's wallet.