This is the first draft of a mass e-mail I would like to send out if I ever figure out how to do that, or if I get tired of mostly not being an obnoxious idiot. Note: any misspellings, oddly placed quote marks or randomly capitalized words should be seen as stylistic elements, not fuckups.
AMERICA: BE WARNED
The Menace of Canadism is coming TO A CITY NEAR YOU!
Yes, it's true.
Not satisfied with knocking down our skyscrapers OR blowing up marketplaces, Teh Evil Canadists will not rest until they have implemented the final stage of their devious plans to TAKE OVER AMERICA. And you know what? THEY'RE NOT EVEN TRYING TO HIDE IT ANYMORE.
They announced it on multiple websites recently, as if it was the most normal thing in the world.
SHANIA TWAIN IS COMING TO AMERICA. THIS YEAR!
The plan, they say, is to begin by implementing Shania Twain in that most American of cities, Las Vegas, by the end of 2012. It will proceed then, no doubt, from city to city and state to state until ALL OF AMERICA HAS FALLEN UNDER THE BARBARIC RULE OF THIS INSIDIOUS FORM OF CANADIC FUNDAMENTALISM.
Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one in America who understands what Shania Twain is!
But that's why I'm RAISING THE ALARM.
|With this cup, Shania will drink the|
blood of Christians. Unless
you act now!
THEY HAVE GIVEN AWARDS TO SHANIA.
YOU CAN DOWNLOAD SHANIA TWAIN FROM iTUNES. Anyone can do this! Our children are being exposed to this evil influence! CHILDREN! Children, Mandrake!
Parents, check your home computers. SHANIA TWAIN MIGHT BE ON THERE RIGHT NOW!
WHY IS THE MAINSTREAM MEDIA IGNORING THIS?
THIS IS THE WORST THREAT AMERICA HAS FACED SINCE THE "YELLOW TIDE" SWEPT IN AND FORCED HAIKU DOWN OUR THROATS BACK IN THE 1960's. And we know how that ended, don't we? It was the end of free verse as we knew it. NEVER AGAIN.
They hate our free verse. They hate our country. THEY HATE OUR COUNTRY-WESTERN. The Canadists want to remake it in their own image. BUT WE WILL STAND UP AND FIGHT. And that's the Good News. The Resistance is under way!
LAWS ARE ALREADY BEING DRAFTED IN KANSAS AND OKLAHOMA. These Good Christian Americans understand the threat of Shania and are saying no. WE WILL NOT ALLOW SHANIA in our courtrooms, our homes, our schools, our iPods. NOT NOW, NOT EVER.
It's like President
BUT I NEED YOUR HELP TO FIGHT THIS DARK MENACE.
Please. $10 or $20, that helps. BUT ONLY SO MUCH. SO MUCH MORE IS REQUIRED. $500 OR $1000 WOULD MAKE A DIFFERENCE. YOU CAN DO THIS! Please send whatever I think you can afford, and send it now. THE BATTLE IS ON FOR AMERICA'S SOUL.
IT'S UP TO YOU. STOP SHANIA NOW!