Romney Unveils Economic Plan: America To Borrow Money From Its Parents

WASHINGTON--Presumptive Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney unveiled his economic plan for America today, saying that if he is elected in November, the country would begin on the road back to fiscal strength and financial independence by borrowing money from its parents and starting a business.

"This is an option more young nations should look at," said the former Massachusetts governor, giving the commencement address to a group of recently graduated third-world countries.   "Find a way to get an education, borrow money from your parents, start a business."

"That's my plan for America."

"We'll do our laundry at Mexico's house."

 Romney was vague on what sort of business America should start, as well as which European nation is actually America's father. (America's mother, England, could not be reached for comment.) But he made it clear where the country's priorities should lie.

"The business of America is business," opined the former CEO of Bain Capital, a business known for purchasing American businesses and putting them out of business. "The government needs to be run like a corporation, for the profit of all Americans. Also, I like the idea of being able to fire the electorate, if necessary."

"Of course, in order to properly present itself to the world and avoid offending its potential customer base, America will need a haircut," Romney continued. "Whether it wants one or not. So there may be a difficult period still ahead, a period in which our nation will be pinned to the ground by 'bullies' and have sharp scissors waved in its face. But, I promise you, this period will be short-lived and in a few years, I will have forgotten all about it."

"To those around the world who doubt our ability to rebound from our recent difficulties, to those other countries who question the viability of our plan, I would say this: we'll bet you ten trillion dollars that it works."

"A rising tide lifts all boats," Romney went on to say. "The new American economy will have room for everyone, be they young or old, black or white, male or female. Everyone will be included. No one will be left behind.  Although some may have to be strapped to the top of the car."

Romney also indicated that America can keep its expenses relatively low by continuing to live in Canada's basement, as it has for much of its history.