Owner Of A Clueless Heart

Q: I was at a bar with some friends the other night, just partying a little, when I saw across the room a gorgeous young woman sitting alone at a table. I wanted nothing more than to go talk to her and ask her to dance, but I was so nervous I was practically shaking. Just too scared.
So I had a friend go over and ask for me. When she looked up, I grinned and waved at her. What I want to know is: is this a good technique for picking up women? I'm asking because it didn't work.
--Bill W., Chicago

A: If what you're aiming for is to let your friend pick up women, then yes, it is a good technique. For you to meet women, not so good.
You obviously need to work on your courage and self-esteem. As we all know, this comes from a bottle. Hey, you're already in a bar, why not have a few drinks to get loosened up? You, being extra nervous, might need to drink more than the normal amount. A lot more. This might cause its own problems, though--motor skills and judgment may be impaired. But it might be your only chance. Your best bet is to get completely soused, stumble over to her, and try to play the "I'm so drunk I can't help but be blunt and honest" card. The idea is you are so out of it, you are absolutely compelled to tell her how attractive you find her. It probably won't work either, but at least you'll be drunk when it fails. And if you're drunk enough, you won't care. If you're drunker than that, try not to throw up on anyone you know.

Q: The company I work for has recently hired a new receptionist. She is absolutely perfect--in looks, in style, intelligence--really, she has it all. I think she might be THE ONE. But she's always so busy at work, surrounded by people, and even after hours, it seems like she's always with someone, and I never really get a chance to talk to her alone. How can I get to know her? How do I slyly, without fanfare, let her know how I feel?
--Steve L., Detroit

A: At some point in her day, on some day of the week, I can guarantee she will be alone. You need to find out when, and be there to take advantage of the opportunity.
Obviously, you need to know her schedule better--know it inside out, if possible. This is why stalking was invented.
I would start out with something innocuous--either follow her home after work, or, if possible, get her address through your company. Go to her house late some night, make sure she's inside, and then, when you're positive there's no danger of being caught, look in her mailbox. Then, run away.
Do this a few times, until you've built up the courage to try the next step--walk past her on the street without saying anything. Try to do this at least 2-3 times a week, but no more--you don't want to make her suspicious. After a few weeks, walk by her again--only this time, do it with a stupid new haircut. This will let her know that your whole world has changed because of her.
That should get the ball rolling, so to speak.

Q: I had this big date last week with a woman that I've wanted to go out with for weeks. It couldn't have gone better--great dinner, good movie, and back to her place for sex.
Now, I'd always heard that fondue was a great aphrodisiac, so I indulged quite heartily earlier in the day, wanting to be fully charged when the action started. Everything was going great, until we got undressed and I discovered that I still had some cheese on my dick. It pretty much ruined the moment entirely, and I don't think it will happen again. What I want to know is: is there anything to that fondue idea, or is it just an urban legend?
--Mike D., San Antonio

A: I have no idea. And what's more, I don't want to have any idea. It's up to you, really. Maybe you should try it again--I mean, what's the worst that could happen? Well, I suppose you could burn the shit out of yourself. But, you know, no pain, no gain. Or something. So just keep trying, dude.

Q: I had something happen to me recently that I swear, was straight out of Letters To Penthouse.
I was riding home from work on a crowded bus, where most of us had to stand and hold on to the overhead railing. It was rush hour, and everyone was in transit. They had us packed into that bus like sardines, so much so that you couldn't avoid lots of bodily contact.
At one point, even more people got on the bus, and the resulting crush pushed me up against this beautiful woman. Right up against her, so close it was almost better than a lap dance. We gazed into each other's eyes for a long moment, and then she said in a sultry voice, "this is my stop. Want to get off?" She rang the bell.
Well, needless to say, we went straight to her apartment and got physical immediately, with no preliminaries. We practically ripped each other's clothes off, so eager were we to get things started. Then, with no warning, the mood changed abruptly. Turned out, to my horror, that I still had some cheese on my dick from an experiment the week before. My question is, how do women generally feel about that sort of thing? Is it always a deal-breaker?
--Joe P., Milwaukee

A: It's hard to say--every woman is different. But what I need to know is--did she know it was cheese? Maybe she mistook it for something really disgusting. Did you tell her what it was? An even better idea might be, from now on, to warn your pickups ahead of time that you might have cheese. To be really sure, you might even have the information printed on a T-shirt, a medic alert bracelet, or even a tattoo. It's always best to be up front about your condition.

Q: I have an active sex life, and because I don't want kids and don't want to risk disease, I use condoms. I have bought some from the local drugstore, but the old woman who is always working there always looks askance at me when I ask for them. She treats me like a criminal, and tries to embarrass me in front of other customers. So what I'm wondering, is there somewhere else where I could possibly buy a large number of condoms?
Hal B., Wilsonville

A: Yes.  Try a condominium. Most towns have at least one.

Q: How do I know if a woman is attracted to me?
Jack T., Miami

A: She's not.

Q:  No, really. Sometimes women give me mixed signals--they're interested, they're not interested, they say no but act like I should try again. Really, it's almost like that old song, "Your Lips Say No But The Cheese On My Dick Is Really Causing Some Discomfort." So tell me--I desperately need to know now--is there any one thing, any single sign to look for that would tell me if a woman might be interested in me?
Jack T., Miami

A: Probably. Now stop bloody stalking me.

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