Clemens Indicted For Third Ear On Forehead

Roger Clemens, former major-league pitcher and 11-time all-star, winner of seven Cy Young awards, was indicted this week by a grand jury for perjury before Congress in 2008. The evidence, which the grand jury found "compelling, and sort of creepy" consisted mostly of recent photographs of Clemens sporting a new third ear that grew out of his forehead.

The new appendage cast doubt on Clemens' previous testimony, in which he claimed never to have used steroids and if he did, "I would have a third ear growing out of my forehead or something."

Because he is facing up to five years of prison time, Clemens is expected to spare no expense in putting together a crack legal team as well as a new group of friends to throw under the bus. Although it is not known what sort of defense will be presented, experts expect it to mostly consist of casting aspersions on others while pointing out his sparkling record as a pitcher.

"I would never have used steroids, and if I had, I would have little noses on my feet," said Clemens, replendently dressed in a dark three-piece suit and clown shoes. "In my whole career, I only drank the castor oil my mother gave me while grandma injected some vitamins into my eyeballs. I asked if they were giving me steroids, and President Lincoln said no. And I believed them. And I won 354 games."

"And if I used all these fancy growth hormones and stuff, why am I so immature? It doesn't make sense."

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