MLB Suspended For Steroid Use

Major League Baseball, it was announced today, has twice tested positive for performance enhancing drugs including steroids and will, under the policy initiated in 2007, be suspended for the remainder of the 2009 season. All remaining regular season games will be recorded as ties except for the All-Star game, which will be simulated with PECOTA projections and used to determine the winner of the World Series.
"We feel the penalties in place are, while regrettable, appropriate and fair and we must simply move on from this point," said Bud Selig, Commissioner of Baseball at a press conference this morning. "We look forward to the results of the All-Star Game, World Series, and of course, the Home Run Derby, which will be held as scheduled."
Although the suspension will cost the clubs in the short run, as no individual players have been suspended and all still will be paid, Selig would not admit it was bad for the game, pointing to the continuing popularity of the idea of baseball and the fact that the Toronto Blue Jays have clinched a spot in the World Series. "This shows true parity in our game," said the weak, rumpled man.
Some fans may be displeased, however, by the expectation to continue to pay for tickets and personal seat licenses, Selig admitted, but pointed out that "there are still games to go to, they’re just declared to be ties after six hours or so. And people still need to eat, so concession sales will continue as before. We must maintain the game’s infrastructure, so the players have something to come back to next year. You don’t need a third ear growing out of your forehead to figure that out."
The suspension also brings up the question of baseball’s prospects for inclusion in the Hall Of Fame in the future. "We have a solution to that as well," said Selig. "We’ll ask Pete Rose."
"Difficult times are ahead, but the fundamentals of the baseball economy remain sound," Selig continued. "And the overall…aw, whatever. It’s probably all for the best. It’s really a pretty stupid game when you think about it."