The 27 bodies, believed to be murder victims of the humorless, hoodie-wearing coach, were found stuffed in a crawlspace under Belichick’s living room floor last weekend. The bodies were in varying states of decomposition, indicating Belichick had been acting out his evil fantasies for some time.
"I simply misinterpreted the rules," he intoned in a flat, emotionless robot-like voice. "I was operating under the belief that I could perform these actions, as long as I did not make use of the remains during games. The commissioner has corrected me, exacted his penalty, and we’re ready to move on. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to find a young woman to help me get some stuff inside my car."
Commissioner Roger Goodell, following the case since the outset, announced this morning that he was docking the Patriots two late-round draft picks as well as prohibiting the team from purchasing duct tape in bulk for the next two years. "We believe this is a fair and just penalty, and we consider the matter closed," said Goodell. "Oh, and we destroyed all the evidence, too, by the way."
"Excuse me, ma'm, could you help me get this stuff inside my car?"