Another Stupid Doll Comes To The Big Screen

"We can take cover under that leaf over there."

While watching the Super Bowl on Sunday (Good 21, Evil 17) one of the few commercial breaks that didn't get the mute button (mostly due to inattention) was the trailer for the movie G.I. Joe 2 starring Bruce Willis.
Now the last time I was in a toy store, ol' Joe appeared to be roughly three inches tall, and hardly Bruce Willis-like by any stretch of the imagination. And I wondered: why doesn't my guy Ken get any love from Hollywood?  No, he's never had the Kung Fu grip, but neither has he shrunk to the point where an entire brigade can charge forward straight into the mouth of any medium-sized dog and be instantly swallowed whole.
And hey, he's only 51. He's actually younger than Bruce Willis, and thus closer to his physical prime and capable of serious combat.
I won't be holding my breath.
Here, just for fun and because I haven't posted for a week, is something I put together last year for Cracked to celebrate Ken's milestone 50th birthday.

In His Own Words: Ken at 50

The big five-oh.  Half a century. Five decades. 18,262 days. But who's counting?
I've still got my health, and I've still got my Barbie, and she's still got it goin' on.  Okay, my joints are a little looser and my pants don't stay up very well anymore and I did have to have them permanently sewn on.  And I still don't know where my fucking arm is. But hey, it's better than the landfill, amiright?
No, it's really not so bad turning 50.  In many ways, things have gotten better.  For instance, in the old days, G.I. Joe used to routinely kick my ass all over the sandbox.  Now that he's three inches tall, the boot is on the other foot, so to speak.  Will I be kind, you ask?  Will I show mercy?  Sure.  Sure, I'll show him mercy.  With my giant butt on his face.  Booyah!

On His Complicated Relationship With Barbie

Look, I really shouldn't complain much, 'cause it really was special once, and she does keep coming back and marrying me again and again, but it's just such a struggle to keep up with her.  I mean, she changes careers about every five seconds or so, which can make for some great role-playing, but sometimes I want an old-fashioned gal, you know what I mean?  Just settle down for once, dammit, enough of this "career gal" shit.  It's getting old.  You don't need to run for president again, do you hear what I'm saying?
If that stupid cow joins Star Fleet again I swear, I'm outta here.
And what's with all these Alan and Jamal and Todd douchebags hanging around?  They make me nervous.  Hell, they're probably all boning the shit out of Barbie right now.  Which isn't that much fun, really, because at the peak of orgasm she yells shit like "math class is tough!" and "let's all get ice cream!"
Gah.  Sometimes it's just not worth it.

On His Acting Career
I have a plan, though.  Two words: movie star. Since I've always been the archetypal handsome All-American male, I figure I'm a natural.  Here I show my acting chops by playing multiple roles in a remake of Pulp Fiction.  Warning:  NSFW if you turn it up too loud!